wxyz is for...

My ABC series was moving right along and I was so excited to finish it, to finally complete one of my many half done projects. The paintings were complete, all photographed and uploaded into my computer...and then life happened like it typically does.

I'm expecting our second child and from the moment I got pregnant I was ill. All consuming, don't want to do anything, can't really do anything, omg when will it end illness.

Here I am crawling through the third trimester and I am so anxious to finish the ultimate project my body is creating. 

In the meantime, here is WXYZ, at last...

This creative mama is so tired and ready to start the new adventure.



W

I spend a lot of time in this frame of mind: wonder.

So does my child.

We spend many moments wondering about all kinds of things. His tend to be more fun. and interesting..is his brain made out of noodles? 

My wondering borders between fun and worrisome, exotic and mundane. 

What do you wonder about? What are fun things you wonder about with your child?

X

X is such a fun letter. Mysterious and difficult. Not many words that fit the creative mama narrative start with x.

X 's and O's. Hugs and kisses. We have a lot of love flowing in our family. My little guy absolutely loves to be affectionate and I cannot resist his sweet little boy hugs. He hugs my growing belly daily and tells me how much he loves everyone in his family, how much he loves the whole word.

I admire him so much. I hope my heart could hold half the love his contains.

Y

When I think of the word yield, I think of making way, giving space for something else to move before I can move forward.

This really sums about my version of parenthood. I have had to step back many times and just let things flow before comfortably moving forward. I have had to give up control and allow things to just be in order to have any sort of peace.

Art is so much like this...you think you know where you are going, and you are determined to get to that final vision, but sometimes you just have to step back and yield to whatever is happening.

Z

In parenting and creating it is so important to have passion for the process. It can be frustrating, intimidating, make you feel crazy and happy and all kinds of everything...but if you approach it with zeal, if you give it your all, your very best (even if it doesn't feel like much) the journey will be an exciting one, full of love, color and beauty.  It may be progress, not perfection, passion in the midst of growth and pain, but it will be quite the adventure.

It's an incredible ride and it's never ending. 

I hope you enjoyed my ABC's of the Creative Mama series! You can see all of the paintings here.

If you are interested in why my pregnancy journey has left this blog unattended for months I would love for you to check out my post over at Project Mother by clicking here! While you're there definitely check out some inspiring words and stories from all kinds of mamas going through the process.

XOXO

v is for...

vibrant. 

What comes to mind when you hear the word vibrant?

Is it something full of color?

Something full of life, fun and joy? 

Is it a feeling you get? Is it something that's difficult to define?

Vibrant is my word for happiness. It is a flash of color in a muted world. It's the whirlwind of emotions I feel when I have to immediately write something down or create a piece of artwork. Vibrant is reading something you want to share with the world because it is that brilliant and powerful.Vibrant is what I felt when I stood in the Art Institute of Chicago and saw my first real Rothko. Orange and yellow and joy. It made me pause because I absolutely fell into the colors and I knew in that moment why art was so important to me. 

My son often makes me feel that little jolt in my brain, a vibrant color that sparks up in the most mundane moment. It could be a look or something he says or just the sheer awe of his existence and the existence of all of us. 

Vibrant is my feeling for hope. Vibrant is my desire to unearth the molten center of myself. Vibrant is what I want my art to reflect. 

u is for...

Putting yourself out there is difficult. Visual artists put their feelings out for the world to see and often have very little language to explain. Abstract or non-objective art adds another layer of difficulty when most people are looking for an explanation. How do you explain your innermost heart? Feelings poured out on canvas, emotions that don't have a name but make sense in bursts of color or lines.

You face a barrage of accusations of no talent or talent equivalent to a child. After having my own child I'm learning to take that as a compliment. Have you seen the amazing things that come out of a child's mind? Unfiltered. Unabashed. 

Children are so brazen. They have not learned to be ashamed or concerned about the things they do or say. As they grow we teach them how to fit into social norms and move easily along with the crowd. I struggle a lot with my own child in this specific area. 

He is what I call "suddenly extroverted." He started out quite differently, running away in terror from other children and people in general. Beyond shy, actually scared of venturing outside his safe bubble.

Something changed and he sprinted towards the other end of the spectrum of introversion and extroversion. There are no strangers in his world. Everyone is there to talk to him and be his friend. I have to remind him before outings to not latch on to every single person he encounters. Trick or treating is challenging because he is not just interested in getting a piece of candy and moving on his way. He has a million questions and stories to share with the world.

I confess...it's exhausting for my little family. I second guess myself every other moment of the day with him. Am I wrong to tamper down his brave little unafraid heart? Am I wrong if I push him to slip into the crowd, unnoticed? 

Everyone has an opinion. In general I feel like the world is kind to him. They talk to him and indulge him, often the conversation lasts beyond my own introverted comfort level. Lots of people say he is this way because he's an only child. (I have a multitude of feelings about that) Some acknowledge his quirkiness and others dismiss it. I have no other personal experience to go by but it's difficult to see every other child say trick or treat and run to the next house while my child lingers and has to be basically dragged away and constantly reminded about the process.   

I did not intend to sit down and write all of...this. It's something my husband and I struggle with often and feel very self conscious about. We want to embrace our child's intelligence and uniqueness but we also want to help him avoid the difficulties that spark up in life when you are not just like everyone else. 

My child is beautiful. He is incredible in a million different ways. I love him more than I ever could imagine loving another human, this deep down, soul grasping, make you want to just cry love. He is smart and he is strong and he is unabashed. 

I will continue to struggle with his precocious nature and at the same time wonder about my wrongness. He is my heart put out on display for the world. I will love him fiercely and want to protect him from hurt, and hopefully not lose a single bit of his spirit in the process. While I am often ashamed of my feelings I will do my best to grab hold of some of his unabashed energy and let that lead me as well.   

t is for...

transform. We do that a lot as parents, as artists, as people. 

Maybe we reinvent our look, or change something about where or how we live, what we eat, who we spend our time with. 

My artistic journey has absolutely been one of transformation. I always wanted to draw, to create. I wanted to be an artist as soon as I knew about the desire of "being" something or someone. 

Although I always drew, I didn't really pick up a real paint brush until high school and I instantly fell in love with the idea of painting. I started out painting landscapes and I was in total awe of blending colors and shapes to create something that resembled reality. As I continued to pursue painting I changed directions several times, ultimately ending up really enjoying abstract and non-objective art, colorful and free. 

My journey through parenthood has also been an evolving adventure. Every time I think I have it figured out, something changes and I have to do something different to keep up with the craziness. I am very comfortable with change but on a day to day basis it is definitely a struggle. 

I am attempting to embrace the process. I have to transform as my child does, learn to grow with him and accept him, learn to meld two different personalities together on a daily basis. My transformation in parenthood has come in the form of letting go. Letting go of what I feel like things should look like and embracing what things actually are. 

s is for...

I have always been sensitive. I mean, I am a Pisces so it goes with the territory. Or the water. You know what I mean.

I cry easily. Over lots of things. In private. Sometimes it comes out in public too.

I get upset easily and my feelings get hurt even if I don't always show it. 

I always try to tell myself I don't care what other people think. If I did, why would I be this weirdo preppy non-objective artist who is just completely confused and often clueless? Of course I care (a little) about what people think. But what I care the most about is how I affect other people. In my previous life I was a dark little cloud of negativity. I say previous life because I have changed so much, and part of that is due to my sensitive nature really coming to light. I am bothered when other people are bothered. I am bothered when other people don't care about how they affect others. I am bothered if I am bothering others. I am bothered when people stand still (figuratively) when they could be moving somewhere, anywhere. I am bothered when I stand still myself. I am bothered with sadness and pain and struggle and it hurts. I try to see the positive more, in people and in life in general -and it is a struggle for me- but I continue to try because I cannot be overwhelmed by the darkness. It hurts too much.

I am still a bit of a dark cloud. The rain is usually falling on me somewhere and I'll admit I kind of like it that way. I like the gloom because I feel most safe when I can be hidden away. 

But I feel the most alive when I connect with people. My way to connect is through my writing and my visual art, so if you don't know I am truly a sensitive soul, I hope you see that through my creating.

Sensitivity exploded with parenthood. Now I get to be sensitive for two and omg does it hurt even more. I hurt when he hurts, I cry when he cries, I worry and stress and hope and daydream right along with him and for him when he hasn't figured out that mess of human emotions just yet.

My sensitivity shows in bursts. Sometimes it comes in waves of anger. Other times it is happiness that brings me to tears. When I am the most lost in my feelings I either want to create everything or nothing. It's a constant battle.

Without sensitivity I don't think I would be the artist I am. I can't even imagine being in my own skin if I wasn't thinking about and feeling everything...and if I'm not feeling everything what can I share with the world?

r is for...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Photo by Trang Ta on Unsplash


Resilient. 

Are you overextend? Maxed to capacity? Or just over it all? 

I know. Me too.

This goes beyond parenting and creating.

This is lamenting. 

I mean, it's not only about things to do although there are plenty of things that need to get done. Always. And it's not only about bumps in the road that sometimes turn into mountains. And it's not just the giant, constant heartbreak that torments us all. It's all of these things and this whole idea that you keep going and going and going until you collapse out of physical or emotional exhaustion...or you can't keep going because you're just tragically...gone.

If we make it to the next day...

We bounce back even if the spring is a little stretched out.

We recover because we want to survive.

And we help. We always, always help, because if we are not helping we are not recovering. If we are not helping we will never bounce back. 

What can we do to help each other?

q is for...

Quality.

Q is such a cool letter isn't it? I love how it looks, with the little tail on the end. It's the little things.

I have learned over my limited time as an artist and even less time as a mom, quality is definitely important.

I destroyed many potential great pieces by not using the best lasting materials or applying the appropriate surfaces to whatever medium I haphazardly threw down because I just HAD to get my creative urge out on the canvas! 

I am all for quick creating, it's a must do in the artsy mom world because you don't have all the time to fully invest in even the most desired project. It's still important to figure out the best way to make something last, and take the time to find products that work for whatever you want to achieve. I like these little paintings because they are manageable and I'm happy with the results. Large scale painting is not something I do much anymore because I need this magical thing called uninterrupted time and that disappeared somewhere around the time my son was born. 

Speaking of quality...and time...this applies to children too. Some days wander by in a chaotic wail of frustration and others fly by so fast I barely find the time to reheat my coffee more than once. I have spent many days bemoaning my crappy parenting but if I stop and think about the actual moments throughout a day, I can recount times that were seriously so special. There are so many quality moments throughout these long and tedious days. I know sometimes it's hard to find them but I promise they are there. They might rush by so fast and blurry you don't notice them, but they are there.

Maybe it's your child singing softly to themselves when they don't know you are listening...maybe it's the perfect cup of tea sipped while rain patters on the windows. It could be the lovely moment your child masters a skill they have struggled with and they smile so big, and then it becomes your moment too because you didn't even know you could be literally thrilled over something so mundane. Some moments for me are a gorgeous color that catches my eye, especially if it something found in nature. It's not a huge thing but I can savor the little glimpse of beauty. 

These moments might not seem like much but they matter. They are the quality pieces of your life, the little things that fill in the spaces between all the big craziness. Take a minute to think about your day, what quality moments did you have? 

I promise, they are there.