back to reality...

I had four beautiful days off and I admit I did nothing productive. However, I did get a chance to just breathe, relax and get some energy back to start a new week and some new challenges. 


I did take a little time to finish up two ink paintings that have been aggravating me. They are a little overworked and not quite what I imagined but as I have learned, nothing really turns out in reality they way I envision it in my head.

red couches, tulips and birthdays ...oh my!

obviously I love Jeff for many reasons...one of the first reasons happened right after we started dated exclusively. So, my birthday happened pretty quickly after we decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend and I totally didn't expect Jeff to actually buy me a present at that point (okay, a part of me hoped he would I suppose :-)

He even did the whole "oh yeah, I forgot your present at home" gag before laughing and pulling a beautifully wrapped gift out of the trunk of his car.

What was the first present Jeff ever gave me?

Well, he brought nineteen beautiful pink tulips in a green vase...those were gorgeous but the best part was inside the beautifully wrapped package.

I know this may seem unbelievable but I can tell you with sincerity that I knew what was in the box before I opened it. I just knew in my heart.

One of the most incredible things about Jeff is he listens to what I say. He'll probably laugh at me when he reads this because I sometimes yell at him about how he never listens to me... that is not entirely true. He does listen to me and even though he can be forgetful, sometimes he remembers the most random things I talk about.

So...the gift was something I had mentioned seeing in a sculpture class I was taking in school. The professor had brought in the coolest book and I thought it was really interesting so I mentioned it to Jeff (before we were even dating) in passing. This is the book:

It was out of print at the time so he found a really good in shape copy somewhere online. If he was trying to impress me it definitely worked because I was so touched with the thought that went into this first gift. I'll always feel lucky and grateful for the man behind the intention because without the present he is forever the best gift...happy birthday to me!



changes

I cut almost four inches of my hair off last Wednesday. Well, a professional did anyway, which is a good thing. It's something I typically do when I feel like I need to shake something off. I'll get some beautiful haircut or color, panic when I pay the bill, schedule an appointment to "touch up" and then inevitably cancel it, let my hair grow into this disgusting mess and then in a moment of depression and frustration run off to the first place that will take me without an appointment and cut it off/color it/make it pretty.

You know how some places are all lit up, white and blinding to showcase the beautiful people cutting hair? This place was like that and all it did was showcase my face, peering back at me unbelievably from the mirror. I literally had to look away I was so horrified.

I've been tired, run-down, circles under the eyes, can't sleep at night, sore, tired can't get anything done, drive myself crazy stressed...and I don't even have children! I don't know how you mom's out there do it...I can barely take care of myself. Anyway, I looked into the mirror while I was getting my hair cut and I couldn't believe the bloated, pasty, skin not so great, bloodshot eyed person staring back at me. I really wanted to cry. The pretty haircut looked out of place stuck on my head.

I'm turning almost 30 soon. Not 29, almost 30. I swear I actually thought I was already 29 for the last eight months. I even told people I was 29. One day I asked Jeff how old I was because I was so confused and he's like, um...you're 28. 28 going on 30 apparently.

Jenn likened my personality to a flower, something her husband has said about her... I'll just quote what she said:

"your favorite flower is the tulip and it SHOWS.  Jacob makes fun of me all the time for being like a tulip.  When things are good, I'm great.  Tall and pretty and happy.  But as soon as things get a little rough or I need a little water I flop down to the ground.  Another good example is the Gerbera Daisy.  They are so cute and pretty.  They face the sun and stand up tall, but don't forget to water them or they close up and wilt over and pout like crazy.  The funny thing is, all they need is a little attention and they pop right back up.  You, my dear, are a flower." 

During this time of stress and anxiety Jenn also sent me the perfect thing:

Thank you...I so needed that.

happy birthday mom

I love you...

nineteen

I love this month because it is my birthday month plus there is valentines day which I also love (it has always felt like a special day or at least a day of emotions whether sad or happy and I'm a pisces...so I love to feel...)


...and one of the best things about this month is Jeff.

Jeff and I got married in August of 2004 but our unofficial anniversary is February 19th, 2002. We met in Octoberish of 2001, exchanged a fateful email that December and by February of that next year we decided to become exclusive. It was on February 19th, over the intimate allure of AOL instant messenger (pre-facebook!!)

The number 19 has always carried some significance from that point on...I was even 19 years old at that point as it was also pre-birthday. Here are some examples that I was excited to discover when I sat down to really think about it...


The first flowers Jeff ever gave me were a bunch of tulips...and there were 19
wedding date: 8/07/04 = 19
current address:10819 = 19
current zipcode: 80227 = 19
building I work in  2197 = 19

The first showing we had for our townhome that is currently for sale was on January 19th this year!

I'm sure there are more that I'm overlooking or have not discovered yet but it's kinda interesting...

So, I have had a pretty crappy week and have not felt very healthy and utterly exhausted. It's an ongoing cycle. When I woke up this morning the first thing I said to Jeff was "ugh, I don't feel good and I have so much to do..." He is immediately a comfort and a kind word. He made me oatmeal and starting doing laundry and cleaning the house (I can hear him vacuuming right now) I can't express in words how grateful I am for this wonderful man.


We have so many fun memories tied up in the last decade we've known each other. I am pretty sure I have never laughed as hard as I have with Jeff, even at the silliest things that are probably funny to no one else on earth. I feel so grateful to have married my best friend and so so happy we were able to really grow up together and continue to grow through our challenges and our triumphs...right now my heart is telling me this is the perfect subject for a new painting series.

As soon as my energy is up I plan to start the series "19" a beautiful reflection of the great love in my life who makes me feel better when I feel so low about myself, who helps me smile even when my energy is so down. 


I love you...

...good morning

good night...

days like these...

after dealing with (I mean helping?) ridiculous, mean and somewhat delusional people all day at work...I miss easier times, like being a silly sophomore in college, when you could paint a picture frame late at night and just be...free.

happy valentines day

I Remember You As You Were 


by: Pablo Neruda


I remember you as you were in the last autumn. 
You were the grey beret and the still heart.
In your eyes the flames of the twilight fought on.
And the leaves fell in the water of your soul.

Clasping my arms like a climbing plant
the leaves garnered your voice, that was slow and at peace.
Bonfire of awe in which my thirst was burning.
Sweet blue hyacinth twisted over my soul.

I feel your eyes traveling, and the autumn is far off:
Grey beret, voice of a bird, heart like a house
Towards which my deep longings migrated
And my kisses fell, happy as embers.

Sky from a ship. Field from the hills:
Your memory is made of light, of smoke, of a still pond!
Beyond your eyes, farther on, the evenings were blazing.
Dry autumn leaves revolved in your soul.

ink painting: totally done

To see the work in progress blog entries for this piece check out ink painting part one and ink painting part two

This is the last layer (still drying at this point)

And this is the completed painting photographed in natural light

copper #1

art is pretty

I was talking to an artist friend of mine today, or rather, I was talking and he was listening. You should totally check out his art It is "the shit" Anyway, I was seeking his advice on the art world and my place in it and indirectly the question came up about what my concept is for the work I'm creating. I think it is a legit and important question and I definitely pondered it as I was walking outside, thinking a lot about my work and why I like to paint exactly what I paint. I wasn't always at that place of creating colorful non objective/abstract pieces...


So...I'm walking around outside thinking about my direction, my objective...and then I see it. An orange gummy bear nestled snugly in the snow, a bright orange glinting in the sunlight, stark contrast against the white. omg, I thought and I kind of giggled out loud because that felt like this defining moment to me. A gummy bear in the snow. It was so perfect, so oddly inspiring.


Why do I paint what I paint? I am blown away by color. I am enraptured by the landscape, by the natural beauty that explodes across every part of this world. I have been truly lucky to have lived in a lot of places in this country and others. My dad was in the air force and we moved a lot, especially when I was a young child. I was able to see the sun set in the red dirt of the northern territory of Australia, a memory that hangs like a painting in my mind. I have seen the dark crashing waves of the pacific ocean and made snow angels in Japan. 


When I first picked up the paintbrush I was drawn to landscape, it felt right. I liked to paint with photographs as reference and sometimes I just enjoyed making up an environment I saw in my mind. The images were pretty and calming, a perfect moment frozen forever...but there was definitely something missing. I realized what that was when I started to actually let go. The landscape was bubbling out of me and turning into something different that sparked a new type of passion within me. One of the first things I painted that encapsulated the idea of a particular landscape and my emotion surrounding it was this:

I called this "Florida" and the sand looking parts were made up of actual sand I picked up on a Florida beach. I mixed the sand with some gel medium and spread it out with a plastic fork; I felt so liberated! 


At the same time there was such stiffness in the solid shapes, an isolated array of "islands" This was my next try:

I didn't use a paintbrush at all. I didn't even paint it on stretched canvas so I was able to pick up the entire piece and move it around. This is painting? Yes it is! I can pinpoint this as the start of my journey into the exploration of the array of colors of the natural world, how these organic motions mimic and reflect so many different elements in nature, in humans and the emotions that tie into my observation of the world around me. I realized painting could be a process that evoked a feeling, a movement of color that evolves as it settles until it is another snapshot of a beautiful moment in time, frozen.


This past spring I was walking around on my lunch break and saw a butterfly, the beautiful yellow and black monarch type, broken and splayed out on the ground. I immediately decided to paint some butterflies into my abstract spaces, an actual representation of the natural world juxtaposed against an emotive sense of space...it felt connected and comfortable there, as much as it did without the butterfly in these calm yet vibrant places of movement. If you want to look at these paintings you can see them here.

So am I the gummy bear in the snow? Inappropriately placed but makes you feel good? Or a colorful splash of life in the quiet...

thank you for inspiring me

hangs in my hallway

I love you earth tones...

we make shit out of art

Jenn took this picture of me in our second college apartment. We decided to convert the dining room area into an art space. Who needs a table anyway?

I was working on one of the seemingly millions of self portraits my evil figure painting professor demanded. She was a brilliant artist but not so nice. She would grab the paint brush out of your hand and paint on your painting to emphasize her point. She made multiple students cry (I never teared up in front of her but let it go outside of class for sure) The worst thing she did was lock her two toy poodles inside her office and then leave for random periods of time. They  barked. A lot. 

Anyway...guess what the best part of this picture is? Hint: it's on the fridge.

I am hoping for a snow day so I can finish up some almost done art projects and start some new ones that are leaping around inside of my head...

winter, discontent, feeling restless today

some mistake tragedy for tragic and pain for place of self
most neglect to understand the pen not in the face of soul
but as TELLER of soul


it is broken shard of mind that caresses the paper and extracts specks of...pain?
all an artist knows is what spills aimless
drifting pieces of color, letters form thoughts, form words, sentences
hope, deny and create self.


artists do not speak 
they scream with each pin point of searing (pain?) and rest at peace


please


don't understand my mind and tell me, wonder, tell me, smile
when you haven't listened for my heart beat in sleep 
at least a thousand times.


No art for me today, it is such a day of rest that both Jeff and I totally need. But like the song says: "you were always on my mind"

golden stuff is fun

There are so many fun mediums and additives to work with when you are into acrylic paint. Golden has some awesome products and the crackle paste is quite lovely...

These two paintings from a few years back included the use of crackle paste. I mixed a little (and also a lot) in with the paint, spread it with a palette knife and when it was dry it totally rocked. 

flutter by

what am i doing?

This is the new year resolution moment. You know what I'm talking about, the one where you're like oh crap, I'm actually supposed to get to this end point? It's that point in February where you say, hey, I tried but it doesn't matter. I'm just going to stay the way I am. It's too hard to change, it's way too hard to do something different. I work full time damn it, how can I find time to paint?!

I had this moment yesterday.

...and this morning and again right now.

I so want to be a successful artist...I so want to be in a gallery and have multiple shows every year. I so want to stop painting in my basement and start painting in a studio space that is worthy of the beautiful concepts I am creating.

I am at that critical new years moment where you keep plunging ahead and lose the weight that makes you feel ugly or slow, keep running even though your side is killing you...that point where you eat more vegetables and wear sunscreen or spend time outside instead of watching five hours of television, where you put the soda away and reach for water instead, where you pack your lunch and save more money every month or WHATEVER it is that you absolutely promised yourself you would do because you know in your heart it will make you simply a better you. I am definitely at that critical moment and the light is so close it's blinding me. So why do I want to turn around and run in the other direction?

It's cool and it is safe in the dark.

But in the dark no one can see my work.

The light is warm and tempting...

this caught my eye

I was lucky enough to enjoy a snow day ( or maybe it was a cold day?) Not sure what kind of day because there is a not a lot of snow but it is definitely freezing here! It was nice to snuggle with Bean, bake some cookies and work on some paintings. (and of course watch one of the Lifetime movies on the DVR, I'm addicted)


I was in a bit of a creative slump today...nothing was really working quite right for me so I had to lay off the art work even though I had this beautiful gift of unexpected free time...so that was kind of a bummer not to really be able to utilize the time completely.


Something that inspired me a bit was this gigantic, gorgeous bird that caught my eye while I was walking by the window. It was perched in the tree right outside the front door and it was initially facing the door but turned when I ran off to get my camera.

Hopefully you get an idea of the size...it was so cute all puffed up in the cold and it was checking out this crazy squirrel that is always performing daredevil stunts from the bird feeders our neighbor hangs. Cooper barked at it too so clearly it was something impressive. 


I am definitely into finding the greater meaning in things that happen throughout my day so I was curious about this bird and why it was right there just as I looked out the window...I'm not sure what type of bird it is exactly but using my powerful google research skills I think it's a type of hawk, possibly a red tailed hawk. Something about it felt hopeful to me...

ink painting part two

This is the second layer of the ink painting on yupo paper. The progression is slight but you can see the evolution of the piece. It is currently drying and I will add one more layer and post the finished product.