thoughts

I am working on some essay writing today and just needed to get some thoughts out that have been sitting around on scraps of paper waiting to be written but not having a place to "live" I was inspired by a piece called "conversations with a tree"...very awesome.

Here goes...

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I told the stories to anyone who would listen. I would cry and expand the details, work myself into a frenzy, hang up, walk away and then dial again. I was a traitor to myself and to the sanctity of my story.

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The first day I really felt my heart it hurt a little.

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Do you ever feel like you know don't know someone even when you're standing right next to them, doing something you've always done. You have been breathing them in for years, sharing secrets in whispers and one day there is just...nothing.

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Sometimes in my dreams I am really upset, yelling or screaming at someone else. It's all that rage piled up inside.

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The humiliation burned a venom deep into the back of my throat; I can still taste it today.

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I can be the type of quiet that makes people perk up when I actually do open my mouth to say something.

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I never stopped playing pretend.

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We met two guys. Striped shirt...or was it Hawaiian shirt...guy was wild and into her. Polished preppy seemed into me. Regrets.

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She painted giant hands and faces that looked like rocks jutting out of the Australian desert.

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Did it always seem so hopeless? Did we lose something somewhere along the way?

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I slept through three months of my life.

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I think, for him, the reality was nothing like the dream.

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smelling like vanilla was on the list

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I believe it was very well assumed that I would always draw. I would have a cute hobby. I would win third place prizes in poster contests and my kindergarten bookmark design would get me a gift certificate for a free pizza dinner.

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Grow up.

I'm trying.

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here and there

Sometimes I have a difficult time focusing on one thing so I need to do multiple things at once. I woke up this morning fully intending to buckle down and get all of my school work done...guess what happened instead?


I watched project runway and ate a bowl of lucky charms. That's good brain food on all accounts.


okay, then I actually did start working on a bunch of stuff but in between reading essays, writing exercises and some research I kind of started the laundry, stared at the wall listening to Olivia Broadfield (pretty!) demolished a box of good and plenty, photographed the "mouse pad" I made out of scrapbook paper and decorative tape, set the table (around 2:45) messed around with my bird stamp and sharpie paint pens, randomly folded a blanket, cleaned one mirror, broke my vow of "no soda" (this is really not a healthy day for me) took a picture of hi-liters because they looked cool and just generally wandered around.


I'm focused now...except for writing this blog...happy weekend :-)

no words...just close-ups

seeking inspiration and love

A while ago I painted over this odd little landscape with white paint and stuck on the word "passion" cut out of a magazine. A few weeks/months/possibly years passed and I tried to pull off the glued piece. This is the result:

I kind of enjoyed how it looked, envisioning raw passion just emerging from the rubble of...something. It was a little dry and fungus looking though so I added some more paint and other words to the painting, including a note that Jenn had given me a long time ago. The note was intended to inspire writing topics so it's definitely fitting. Here is the final version:

Love it. It moves me and motivates me. I liked the playing and mixing of paint with words so I decided to do another painting in honor of my love, Jeffrey. I have been going through old letters, cards, love notes, lots of memories lately. I found an email that he had written me when we were still in college, busy writing papers and doing a thousand things, missing each other always. In the email he wrote: "Even though I can't talk to you, I'm thinking about you Allison. Constantly." This is before we ever said those three significant words or maybe even totally knew how deep our love really was/is for each other. I included some other notes, a piece of my diary from that time and a postcard that has the word "talk." Communication is obviously a really important part of any relationship and my communication with Jeff has always been special and constant, right from the very beginning. I have boxes of letters and emails to prove it! I also found a map that Jeff had made for me to find him when I came to visit him one of the first times at his school. I still love the little trees he drew. The colors are a blend of colors we both like, some cool blues and greens and some more earthy tones. The vibe is kind of hazy which fits my floating feeling of falling in love and melding together with another soul.


This piece is for me and it fits right in with the desire for inspiration. I call it "Constantly."

FRAME! I'm gonna live forever..

Before

apple red seems like a nice color...

After

I cannot wait to fill all of these frames.

“If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies”

I really enjoy change and movement in lot of different ways. Sometimes things in life start to feel uncomfortable to me and I get restless so I need to shake them up a little bit. Sometimes things feel great but I just want something different.

 I do take comfort in the familiar and I enjoy stability in my life...but the artistic energy inside of me thrives on evolving and altering the "old" to make something new. I do this at times with my paintings. I had painted this fun butterfly painting and I admired how pretty and whimsical it was...but the more I looked at it, it felt like it was lacking something...no, not lacking something...it just wasn't the right idea that I had in mind when I painted the background originally. So I decided to change it. 

I heart my journal

oh yes, I have had many a journal over the years. I have kept most of them, especially the ones I wrote diligently in through high school and my first year of college. Mysteriously I stopped writing my feelings in a journal when I was nineteen and starting dating Jeff...before that I must have had a lot to bitch about!

It is fun and silly and kind of sort of embarrassing to read old entries. Some are touching, others tragically over dramatic and some just plain sad. I have had a few sad moments in my life and I managed to chronicle those with a great intensity. There are also some moments that were just too hard to bear with and I never had the strength to write them down. I guess I never wanted to give those feelings a face and a name, even tucked away inside my private diary.

I have had journals of my poetry and journals where I wrote down other writers poetry and things that just spoke to me, things I wanted to remember. I have had journals full of pictures and bits and pieces I either collected or were given to me by friends.

I have had journals where I detailed everything I ate, what I weighed and my exercise, one I kept for almost a year. I threw it away because I didn't want a physical reminder of recording that kind of thing. Not saying it's a bad thing to do...just not the best thing for me.

I have a journal where I write things I want to include in my novel, little thoughts or phrases that form sentences and eventually inspire chapters or character actions essential to the story. I started writing potential song lyrics in there too.

I had a journal that was a notebook between me and one of my childhood friends Katie. We elevated the high school note writing to notebook status and wrote each other back and forth all year long. I was always so excited to see what she wrote me that day.

I decided I needed something like that for Jeff when we were dating and not living in the same city. We have a little journal full of notes and silly drawings, poems and thoughts between each other.


I have had many sketchbooks that doubled as journals because along with drawings I included scraps of other inspirational types of things and sometimes notes about what I was thinking or feeling at the time.


I have journals detailing trips I took, one special one from my life changing, thought altering alternative spring break in Chicago. 

Other than notes for my novel, I stopped writing in a journal for a long time and instead wrote things on pieces of paper. I made lists and reminders to myself. I even taped sticky notes to my phone (I have yet to invest in any kind of awesome phone due to my not answering the one I have) of things I wanted to remember. Some of these scraps of paper ended up folded and quartered and shoved in my purse and a few months ago I found myself digging through them, unfolding them to see what they said. Then I realized I had a new journal, one that Jenn made for me.

It's so pretty and perfect. I came to the realization I needed to start a journal again. Badly. This journal could have everything in it: my art wish list, goals for the week, recipes, reminders, lists and fun thoughts.


I have carried this new journal around with me everywhere. It sits on my desk at work and I find myself flipping it open to write all kinds of things, ideas, questions, new recipes I want to try and personal thoughts. Sometimes I will just glue stick different things in that I think are pretty. It goes in my purse and home with me too. I am learning to never leave home without it.


I especially love the bird cage and the reminder to spread my wings. It always makes me smile. 

noticing things

I was drifting around a little on friday, cleaning up the house and just noticing things. So I grabbed the camera to capture these little moments.

I noticed I hadn't opened my box of books from amazon...books for my classes I'm taking soon. I think they look nice  next to my other inspirations for writing.

I noticed I could see myself in my laptop screen. I also noticed it's really dirty.

I noticed it's my favorite time of day.

and maybe that time of day could help make a great self portrait.

or two...

I finally noticed I had actually half finished my chalking up the word "goals" on my chalkboard wall. Ironic huh?

It's a wonderful thing I have my new-ish journal to keep all of my goals and ideas flowing. Hey, I should talk about my journals...I think I will write about that tomorrow. Enjoy your sunday noticing the little things...