oh, actually it is fall

I love looking out my window to see these colors. Soon they will be gone and I'll be sad until a pristine white blankets the earth, even if it's just for a few moments. 


I just got back from a trip to Arizona to see my grandfather and visit my grandmother and it turned into a mini family reunion, full of both joy and sadness, beauty and heartbreak all wrapped up into one tight package that I will carry with me always. I plan to write about the experience sometime soon and share some photographs that Mike and I  took of moments with our Granny Kay. For now, I am thrown back into my world of school work although I plan to take breaks to watch the shifting of the seasons through my windows.


I have a lot flowing through my mind and my heart is so heavy it's very full; my heart is pulling me down into this space that makes me want to snuggle up in the sweater weather and cry awhile.


I wrote the following poem in high school and it is curled up inside my mind today...


Under falling leaves
safe inside my shadowed space


Gaze past the starlit sky
into white moonlight on my face


While I dream of times passed by


Soft blur of orange drift past my eyes
melding red and golden hue


Beauty sought to help disguise
memory of my knowing you


Breath like haze, fills numbing air


Blue color floods pink fingertips
As I simply stay and stare


Remember honey from your lips. 

its almost...christmas!

Well, not really but it's something I say to Jeff every year as a joke and to start to express the child-like excitement for the autumn feeling merging into all of the charming winter holidays. Autumn is my absolute favorite time and I wish it was a constant state all year, kind of brisk but still sunny with all of the colors popping out as the green fades away. And Halloween is coming up fast. I love that day and all of the childhood joy it conjures up. The magic, the scariness and of course...the candy. This year it's been pretty hot up until last week so the fall feeling hasn't quite hit me full force, not enough to make me bust out the Waldo costumes and the candy corn. (who am I kidding, we had our first bag of candy corn back in September)

Today we actually had our first little bit of snow.

It made me think of Christmas ornaments...one of my goals was to paint ornaments by November in hopes of selling some this year. Guess what...it's October 8th and not an ornament has been purchased or painted. Whoops.

It's okay though, I have been busy with school and living life...my goals were hard and fast and I am still working to accomplish some of them and trying not to beat myself up too much if I don't finish everything. Change is in my blood and throughout the year some of my goals shifted. I took on new projects and ideas and my goals changed him some ways.

There is still time left in the year and I hope to make the best of it. 

I kick the leaves in the driveway every time I walk into the house, noticing how many more fall and cover the ground each day. You would think it would worry me but I just smile and sigh and get back to...life.

Oh, and I swear I'll get my Christmas cards done by Thanksgiving...that's a goal :-)

art in natural light

thoughts

I am working on some essay writing today and just needed to get some thoughts out that have been sitting around on scraps of paper waiting to be written but not having a place to "live" I was inspired by a piece called "conversations with a tree"...very awesome.

Here goes...

****

I told the stories to anyone who would listen. I would cry and expand the details, work myself into a frenzy, hang up, walk away and then dial again. I was a traitor to myself and to the sanctity of my story.

****

The first day I really felt my heart it hurt a little.

****

Do you ever feel like you know don't know someone even when you're standing right next to them, doing something you've always done. You have been breathing them in for years, sharing secrets in whispers and one day there is just...nothing.

****

Sometimes in my dreams I am really upset, yelling or screaming at someone else. It's all that rage piled up inside.

*****

The humiliation burned a venom deep into the back of my throat; I can still taste it today.

****

I can be the type of quiet that makes people perk up when I actually do open my mouth to say something.

****

I never stopped playing pretend.

****

We met two guys. Striped shirt...or was it Hawaiian shirt...guy was wild and into her. Polished preppy seemed into me. Regrets.

****

She painted giant hands and faces that looked like rocks jutting out of the Australian desert.

****

Did it always seem so hopeless? Did we lose something somewhere along the way?

****

I slept through three months of my life.

****

I think, for him, the reality was nothing like the dream.

****

smelling like vanilla was on the list

****

I believe it was very well assumed that I would always draw. I would have a cute hobby. I would win third place prizes in poster contests and my kindergarten bookmark design would get me a gift certificate for a free pizza dinner.

****

Grow up.

I'm trying.

****

here and there

Sometimes I have a difficult time focusing on one thing so I need to do multiple things at once. I woke up this morning fully intending to buckle down and get all of my school work done...guess what happened instead?


I watched project runway and ate a bowl of lucky charms. That's good brain food on all accounts.


okay, then I actually did start working on a bunch of stuff but in between reading essays, writing exercises and some research I kind of started the laundry, stared at the wall listening to Olivia Broadfield (pretty!) demolished a box of good and plenty, photographed the "mouse pad" I made out of scrapbook paper and decorative tape, set the table (around 2:45) messed around with my bird stamp and sharpie paint pens, randomly folded a blanket, cleaned one mirror, broke my vow of "no soda" (this is really not a healthy day for me) took a picture of hi-liters because they looked cool and just generally wandered around.


I'm focused now...except for writing this blog...happy weekend :-)

no words...just close-ups

seeking inspiration and love

A while ago I painted over this odd little landscape with white paint and stuck on the word "passion" cut out of a magazine. A few weeks/months/possibly years passed and I tried to pull off the glued piece. This is the result:

I kind of enjoyed how it looked, envisioning raw passion just emerging from the rubble of...something. It was a little dry and fungus looking though so I added some more paint and other words to the painting, including a note that Jenn had given me a long time ago. The note was intended to inspire writing topics so it's definitely fitting. Here is the final version:

Love it. It moves me and motivates me. I liked the playing and mixing of paint with words so I decided to do another painting in honor of my love, Jeffrey. I have been going through old letters, cards, love notes, lots of memories lately. I found an email that he had written me when we were still in college, busy writing papers and doing a thousand things, missing each other always. In the email he wrote: "Even though I can't talk to you, I'm thinking about you Allison. Constantly." This is before we ever said those three significant words or maybe even totally knew how deep our love really was/is for each other. I included some other notes, a piece of my diary from that time and a postcard that has the word "talk." Communication is obviously a really important part of any relationship and my communication with Jeff has always been special and constant, right from the very beginning. I have boxes of letters and emails to prove it! I also found a map that Jeff had made for me to find him when I came to visit him one of the first times at his school. I still love the little trees he drew. The colors are a blend of colors we both like, some cool blues and greens and some more earthy tones. The vibe is kind of hazy which fits my floating feeling of falling in love and melding together with another soul.


This piece is for me and it fits right in with the desire for inspiration. I call it "Constantly."