c is for...

constant.

Some of the beautiful people in my life suggested some marvelous words: courageous, curious, commitment, compassion. Constant.

That word resonated with me so much. Constant, unending, continuous. Infinite.

I am always somewhere inside my head and I like to play pretend, even as an adult. Really, you should never stop because life is so much more interesting and tolerable when you bend your reality a bit. In my moments of pretend I walk around with an imaginary sound track playing in my head. It used to be a song that made me feel awesome. For a while it was the song Jeffrey Osborne's Stay With Me Tonight. Weird, I know. But just trust, this was my "walking around in college theme song" for most of my freshman year. Lately it's Cool Kids by Echosmith. 

Now the theme song in my head is not so much a song but more so my own voice. "Did I do this. Did I do that. Did I say that? Oh God, I did. Why? Why did I say that? What am I doing?"

And that voice turns into a ranting from those little bitches, the what ifs. What if no one understands what I'm saying. What if no one cares. What if no one reads it. What if no one shows up. What if I didn't create anything original. What. If. Something. Is. Wrong. With. Me."

It's constant.

The mom voice chimes in too. "I have no idea what I'm doing but pretty sure I am messing him up. Yep, I don't know anything but I'm pretty confident that I'm doing it all wrong."

As moms or simply as women - as people - I think we have all been there. Especially this introverted dark art nerd of a mama. This barrage of worry and uncertainty can feel constant.

Of course, after darkness there is light. Light does filter through my many cracks and I am filled with love, with bursts of ideas, with words that cannot wait to dash across the paper and colors that are too pretty to keep in my head.

And when my son wants constant snuggles after constant struggles that flickering light explodes into the most dazzling sunshine chasing away the storm clouds. And it stays lit up within me. Forever.

use your leftovers

Next week I will show you my letter C painting for abc's of the creative mama.

Today was all about using some leftover paint in a unique and fun way. If you attempt this at home be forewarned it is very messy. The more wild you are...the messier it will be. As in, dripping down the walls, footprints on the floor, paper towel frenzy, messy, super hot mess. 

Sound like fun?

So, I bought some acrylic kiddo friendly paint for my son and he has really enjoyed getting super grimy and making all kinds of brownish colored masterpieces. You know when all the colors get mixed together and you end up with that sludgy brown colored loveliness? Yep, that's why I take pictures of my kid painting in the beginning stages. 

Once we had used as much paint as possible I still had a bunch stuck around the edges of the containers so I cleaned them out a bit but left most of the color. I filled them up with water, shook them a lot and was left with these beauties.

Then it was time to get messy. I put a lot of plastic down in the tile entry way (all the way up the walls, seriously, it gets MESSY.) and let my son go to town spilling, pouring and dropping the paint on some watercolor paper. I recommend watercolor paper if you have it so your paper doesn't end up warped and crinkled when it's dry. 

I sacrificed a turkey baster for this project (that sounds super weird) but recommend an eye dropper or condiment bottle if you have one. If a child is doing this it might be easier to control. 

The stages were a lot of fun.

Ultimately, because the paint was very watered down and the paper was so saturated, I had to hold the paper up and let all the water run off. The final product is a surprisingly soft and pretty, pastel and hazy.

The circles are from taking the lids and stamping on the paper. And the best part for this art nerd? Because the paper sat in so much water I got two paintings in one. The reverse side is just as interesting.

If you have a little more paint to water ratio and a whole lot more control with how much you are dropping on the page you will have more vibrant colors. I had zero control because my three year old was throwing the paint, stepping in it and overall having a blast. He is starting to ask to "do art projects" with me which basically makes my heart explode with joy.

 Try different things: spoon the paint water on, use a toothbrush to flick it on, get creative. 

Oh, also be sure to pick up the plastic or whatever you use right away and get rid of the excess water... and make sure no water leaked through. You really don't want paint spot covered tile or cement floors. Been there. Or maybe you do, in that case let your abstract soul shine through, I'm definitely not judging. Have fun :-) 

b is for...

Bountiful. Abundant. Lavish in love, in beauty, in the new, in everything.

Inexhaustible. Generous. Plentiful.

Bountiful is a fabulous word for the creative mama. Women, mothers, artists, all full of larger than life feelings that explode in a shower of exuberant love for life, our children and our families. Bountiful bursting of our imaginative souls. 

I have felt this word strongly as a woman. Bountiful took on a new meaning when I became a mother, my curves filling in even more, my body growing another little soul. The feelings became enormous and they were not always the vision of glowing rosy cheeked babies buried in the breast. Sometimes the feelings were darkly full in frustration, in fear and pain and even anger.

My art is a result of an abundant well of emotions They whirl inside and fall out of me through ink, in paint and pencil, they mingle in with torn pieces of paper and so, so many words. Art speaks a language that is so full and rich, it is difficult to describe.

Thank you to my lovely friend Eileen for suggesting this beautiful word. 

Next up is C...what word would you use for the creative mama that starts with the letter C?

messy and beautiful

This time of year is wondrous. The colors, the air, the feelings of something just around the corner

The change.

As summer slips away and the days are darker I feel more at peace. 

 Last week I  couldn't begin to breathe through the pain. Some days are like that. Today is a good day to take a moment, if you can, and pick up some leaves. Or even just pause and look at the landscape, the open fields or the pieces of sky between buildings. If you're in a place where the leaves are beginning to change, admire the greens dissolving into yellows, orange, red. Gaze at the colors and feel the beauty for a moment. If you have a kid and live in a place with falling leaves go collect a few. Make it an adventure. Walk slowly. Skip and gallop. Let them discover the world without being in a hurry for once. 

Breathe in the changing air. 

Do a craft if you feel like getting messy. 

Just take a moment and remember that life is always changing. It's good and it's bad and it's awful and it's mesmerizing and painful and messy and... it's oh, so beautiful.

an easy fall craft: pick up some leaves, grab some paint and paper and create your own tree. No rules, just mess, color and fun. Feel free to ditch the brush and use your hands.

I was going to post about crafting...

I know I'm not alone in feeling discouraged with our country today. This general wave of anger and hate that seems to wash over everything is unsettling, particularly for my introverted tendencies to sit, think and often dwell.

So many people are afraid and hurting. So many people are angry. People are killing. They always have. So many people have no escape. I feel so small. Smaller than usual. 

I often feel like my life is pathetic. I don't feel like I contribute anything to anyone, anywhere. I feel aimless. A shitty parent who can't cope with anything slightly atypical. A bad friend who thinks about my two best friends (and others) and my family more often than I contact them. A bad wife who nags too much. 

I am often silent when I want to rage. I'm afraid to rage because I don't want anyone to judge me. I have a pretty tough shell wrapped in gossamer layers and oh hell, the shell is cracked all over. It's going to explode. 

I am selfish and inane. I am suburban bullshit. I am doing nothing.

I feel like a dot in this mass of existence and the fires are raging around me and all I do is curl into a tiny ball and rouse myself from my semi-medicated state to pick up leaves with my son. I'm the crack in the sidewalk. Why are we all so broken?

I fully intended to post a little collage about doing leaf paintings with my three year old. I planned to write about the small things in life, the beauty in art and nature, how we can overlook some of the pain and do something pretty.

I don't have it in me. 

I feel like a sham.

I'm entitled.

I'm not fighting for my life on either side of this war that has raged for so many for so long. 

This is what poured out of my soul when I sat down to post about crafting in the midst of chaos and hurt. 

But I simply cannot. I'm wallowing in the pain. I know it's not okay and it doesn't make anything better.

I just need to sit and hurt a little in name of everyone who is hurting so much. It feels like nothing but I believe the thoughts are important. 

We should not stop thinking about this. We should not keep thinking this is okay.

We can't. 

What are you thinking about? Tell me. Let's talk.

abc's of the creative mama

My new project is a series of small paintings: the abc's of the creative mama.

These paintings are small for several reasons, the first being lack of time. I also feel like I have a lot of large, weepy, lovely feelings contained within a small space and these small paintings reflect that part of myself. 



A is for awake.

Always awake.

Awake for the baby. Even if the baby is sleeping. Awake for the quietest movement, the worry, the darkness. The light.

Awake and awash in the beauty.

Seeing things through a child's eyes is not a cliche. When my son is experiencing the beauty of something new, it awakens the childlike part of me that is tramped down, that is supposed to stay asleep in this world of work, pay bills, work, exist. In those moments of elation the world is new to me again. 

In my child's moments of sadness, anger, frustration, illness and fear I am also awakened. Sometimes it is so intense I feel like I am barely above water. I'm nearly drowning in all of these swirling emotions, the joy and the pain that is a human being growing and learning how to be a part of this tragic and beautiful world. 

As an artist, I feel hyper aware of the world around me. The hues of nature, a turquoise door, exposed brick walls, flowers growing in unexpected places, ice melting in a black lake, stacks of vivid fruit...the images that awaken me are endless. 

What is a wonderful B word that resonates with the idea of the creative mama? Leave me a comment below with your ideas :-) 

look at this stuff...isn't it neat?

First: an apology and a confession. I was not able to complete the second part of my project I planned to debut today. I am waiting for some material that has not yet arrived so please stay tuned. Here's a hint: abcd...

So, today, I'm sharing a simple, easy craft you can complete with your kiddo. My son is currently very into the Little Mermaid. He wants to live in the TV with her and dress up as a mermaid for Halloween. He also decided he wants a store that sells cars, trucks, roads, garage doors and mermaids. Just a few of his favorite things.

For this project you need:

1. washi tape. (if you are unsure just google it. It's really cute, you can buy it anywhere and it peels off of everything easily.)
2. paper
3. colored pencils
4. glue stick
5. other decorative crafty items of your choice. I used fake flowers.

washi tape. I'm cute!

Draw your basic mermaid shape. It doesn't have to look good because with any luck it will be covered up by your crafty kid. I'm pretty sure my mermaid had a uniboob and no hands. I used blue paper for the idea of water but any color will do. Go crazy. It doesn't have to be a mermaid. Draw whatever your child is obsessing about! The idea here was to stick on the washi tape like "scales" on the mermaids tail. You could use the same idea for shingles on a house, bricks in the road, whatever.

My son started adding tape all over to make eyes, a nose and mouth. I tore up some washi tape pieces for him and also let him tear his own pieces. Warning: tape pieces torn by preschoolers will be ridiculously long and stick to everything. Luckily washi tape peels right off!

He especially enjoyed using the glue stick to add flowers for hands and flowers in general. You might notice the abandoned half eaten graham cracker in the corner. Abandoned for this project. Because it was that awesome.

This was a great activity that had very little mess (if that kind of thing bothers you). The finished project is fun, imaginative and colorful.

see? mermaid drawing skills unnecessary.