d is for...

Distraught? Despair? Disappointed? 

Destroyed.

Different.

Disaster...

I have not posted since election day and you can imagine my feelings based on the words that came to my mind weeks after the fact. 

Divided.

How appropriate. This country has been divided for quite some time. Let's stop for a moment so you know I am not condemning your vote if we chose differently. This post is not about that. It's about how I feel. I. Me. I'm so happy you are reading my thoughts. Thank you. And if you want to stop here, that's fine too. I still love you because I am tired of the anger and the hate and the disgust. So here goes...

I have a tattoo of the word Create on my wrist. It has been fully healed for a few months but on election night it started to itch and swell. I restlessly rolled around on an air mattress in an empty house. I was eager to wake up the next morning and get on the road to get our house packed up so we could return to our new home and feel a bit more settled. Talk about awful timing for attempting to feel settled. 

As the results rolled in my tattoo pain was extremely uncomfortable. My husband dozed next to me, exhausted from work and trying to stay up late to see the polling results on our phone screens. I was trying to sleep after a certain devastating point but the itching and burning on my arm was very worrisome. I told a friend later it was as if my "create" was trying to crawl out of my skin. It was awful.

I did what a lot of us do when we have a question. I googled. The tattoo irritation could be related to allergies, environmental changes and high blood pressure. I think I was dealing with all three of these things that night...I woke up to a new day that felt unbearably strange. As many said, yes, the sun rose on November 9th and we continued on. In our case, it was to drive to another state to move our household. It felt weird. Such a big thing happened and we just kept on moving, because that's what we do.

Depth. 

I chose this word and painted my canvas before our big move out of state and it still feels like it fits right now, even outside the parameters of the creative mama, even with all the new D words swirling around. 

With all these momentous things happening in our world, I also had a lot going on in my own little personal bubble. Lots of change, lots of digging down once again and figuring out how to make a home somewhere I have never been. I've done that a lot in my life.

Going back to the word of choice, I consider myself a deep person. Describing yourself as deep seems somewhat arrogant or self involved but it's safe to say anyone who knows me well knows a lot bubbles below the surface. Those who know me extremely well know some of that stuff rises up and spills over quite rapidly and unfortunately. I have a lot of low lying gigantic, overwhelming emotions and -personal bubble aside- the last couple of weeks have really tested the depth of my feelings, particularly while navigating the differences of opinion among friends and family. I imagine most of us feel the same.

Now that my tattoo has healed again and the country has taken steps in a variety of ways towards healing, I want to say it's going to be okay. It's easy for me to say, in my little bubble that stretches without tearing, that it's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay. See, I can say it.

But does it mean anything?

I think we need to go deeper.

The despair and distrust and disappointment are real for a hell of a lot of people. I am a lucky one. My world kept on moving right along November 9th. It's not the same for everyone. It's not the same for people who are worried about their basic rights. I don't have to worry about the legality of my marriage. I don't have to worry about getting shot at while I'm doing a job to help others. I don't have to worry about being sent away when I simply want a better life for my family. I have a few things to worry about because we all do but overall, I am a lucky one. 

Disillusioned. 

Distressed.

It does not feel appropriate for me to say it's going to be okay to so many people who are feeling so worried and afraid. Me, with my complaints about a tattoo and moving because my husband was promoted. It's all so minimal when you look at the larger picture of our country.

This division creates issues for so many. So many people being targeted for simply who they are, what they look like, what job they have, who they love, what god they hear in their heart. Some of those people are giving us so much and we just take and take and do nothing in return. I totally understand the desire to be kind and help others and create the world we want to have. I believe in that too and I strive for that every day, to treat others as I want to be treated, to seek to understand and mostly to listen and learn more. We all need to listen more. Really, truly, listen. If we would all pause and listen some might have to stop shouting so loud to be heard. Please, let's listen.

And dig down. And go deep.

And not be...

Dismissive...of each other.

I will go back to my creative bubble now that my "create" has settled back down and is not so red and raised and angry. I will listen to those crying out and I will do my best to contribute to the beauty and kindness, acceptance, tolerance and constant learning that makes our world a better place.