the reality

I have a confession to make.

I did that thing that we all do. It's definitely a bad thing for artists because it seems nothing ever turns out the way we imagine it to be.

I envisioned. I'm the kind of woman that has to have things jussst right. It's a little difficult to describe but I will attempt to explain. I am not overly picky. I am not necessarily high maintenance. Right, husband? (wink wink) However, there are times when I just have to have things a certain way to feel content. Make sense?

Okay, let me explain it like this. Maybe one night my husband suggests we have Chinese food. I like Chinese food. I love it. But...I say no. Because Chinese food doesn't feel right. What do I mean by that? I mean...my house isn't clean and it's too light outside and I haven't vacuumed and there are toys all over the couch and I didn't do the laundry yet. And my kid is still awake.

Yes, I love Chinese food but I can't eat it because on that particular day, when I think about eating Chinese food, I imagine eating it in a dimly lit room in the evening, on the floor free of clutter with my favorite sweat pants on, watching a movie with my husband. Not eating Chinese food at the table in the middle of chaos and dirty dishes with my child screaming he doesn't want to eat anything that looks burnt.  

This mood might change day to day. 

So, anyway, I envisioned making a gingerbread house with my three year old. I had it all planned out. I bought extra gumdrops and some marshmallows and jelly beans because I could not possibly make the gingerbread house of my dreams come alive with the paltry candy provided by the gingerbread kits. I placed the candy prettily on a plate for a photo op. I admit I even considered making my son his own little graham cracker version so I could have the gingerbread glory all to myself without pesky little hands disturbing the intricate process of this mother/son activity. I am a tad ashamed.

It was bad pretty much immediately. The house wouldn't stay together. My son dumped an entire container of green sprinkles on the "snow." This required a time out to clean up sprinkles from basically everywhere. Every time we added a piece of candy it fell off. He put all the trees on the roof. The icing bag had a hole at the top seam and nothing would come out through the icing tip. Icing was all over the place and more candy was falling through the gaping roof than actually decorating the house. I quickly decided to sit back and let my child just do his thing.

Of course, he had a blast. He stuck a gingerbread man on the roof and when it fell off, taking the roof down with it, he just stuck that gingerbread man somewhere else. If candy fell off he tried another piece. It didn't matter what the outcome was or how messy the process was, he was just enjoying the moment.

We still had Christmas music playing in the background, he had so much fun and I sat there and laughed, texting pictures to my husband as more pieces fell apart. As I set up this project I fully anticipated a blog post full of beautiful photos of my gorgeous gingerbread house. Instead, I am posting photos of my...reality. 

I'm sure you've seen the Pinterest fails. I've had my fair share. I have cried in frustration when the image in my head doesn't match what is in front of me. I have learned to laugh too. My own aesthetic is important to me, for sure. That's not going to change because it is a part of who I am. I still want to have that perfectly content moment that makes me feel happy, warm and snuggly inside.. It's a big deal around the holidays when I have this idea in my mind of what I want the experience to look like, assuming that is going to dictate how I feel.

But, sometimes, you just gotta eat the Chinese food. And just the fact that it tastes good is enough.