We are nearing a very important day in our family, the fourth birthday of our son. I remember feeling very heavy this time four years ago, literally in my body and also in my heart. Bringing a child into the world is a big deal. I know some gloss over it as moms being full of themselves or acting like the first human ever to give birth. I get it, lots of women do it. (it's still a big deal, trust me)
I know there is the huge issue with overpopulation and there is the belief that we should not continue to contribute to that. I understand that as well. I am very hopeful my contribution to the worlds population will be a wonderful asset. If we stop creating more people we might miss out on someone who absolutely changes the world.
I fully respect women and men who choose not to have children. I like my life to be full of many types of people so I am lucky enough to know several women who do not want children. They are amazing, beautiful, whole women who have a ton to offer the world. They do not have to have a child to do that. I also am lucky to know many wonderful mamas who have more to offer the world than the incredible children they raise.
Maybe this is a simplistic approach, but I was excited to bring my child into the world. Even though the world is awful. Not totally awful...but still pretty terrible. Yeah, it's awful. We have to admit that. When I was bursting and swollen with my son, the horrific Sandy Hook shooting happened. I clutched at my stomach and tried to process bringing him into that. Into this. I couldn't even begin to imagine what those parents lost. I hadn't met my child yet.
Despite the agony of the world, I was excited.
I wrote this letter to my unborn son in 2012. I need a little happy today so I'm sharing a part of my heart.
Dear Oliver,
It's December, 7 2012 and about forty nine days away from your due date. Your Dad and I are so excited to meet you, it's all we can think about! I am having a hard time sleeping through the night, just thinking about meeting you, and I am so nervous about being your Mom. The world is in a state of change right now. There has been this prediction, according to the Mayan calendar that the world will end on December 21, 2012. I don't believe this for one second because I know my world won't stop until I have held you in my arms and I also know there is an entire world ahead of all of us, just waiting for our new family to make so many memories.
I wanted to share just a few of the things going on in our little world today. The USA presidential inauguration is on the horizon, coming up in January 2013. President Barack Obama, our first black president, was just re-elected to a second term. Here in Colorado, marijuana use was just legalized. I'm not really sure what that means for the rest of the country or if that will be the same in the future. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing but I'm inclined to feel it is like many other things in life, always the potential to be both good and bad. And gay marriage...I can only hope that gay marriage is something totally accepted as you are reading this now. That is just becomes marriage, for everyone. Right now it is not. My wish is that all people who love each other can be afforded the same rights that your Dad and I have. Another big thing going on right now is the announcement that the new prince and princess, or duke and duchess of whales in England are expecting their first baby, the future heir to the throne. I confess it's not a huge interest to me personally but it is a pretty big deal to a lot of other people in the world. I am more excited about your birth, personally. :-)
We are a very divided country politically speaking. I wonder if it will change. Typically it swings back and forth between two different opinions but if you look closely at most people I bet you will see they have a mix of all kinds of different opinions and thoughts that explode outside of the labels we give them.
There is a lot of sadness in this world. I write that thought, hoping that in the future, when you are old enough to really know what sadness means (and the optimist in me hopes you never truly know sadness while the realist in me knows you will in some capacity) that the world will be less sad. You are fortunate to be born into a free country where you personally have so many rights and privileges. You are have two parents who love you so much, and we haven't even met you yet! The world is so incredibly sad but it is happy too. There is beauty and genuine love and compassion and I have every hope in my heart that you will add to that happiness, that you will be a kind and a beautiful addition to the people who strive to make the world happier and better in so many ways.
I could likely write forever about all of the things going on in our state, our country, in our world...but at the moment my world is very small. It's so very small because my focus is on you. I said I am nervous but the truth is I am terrified. I am worried about the responsibility of raising another person. I am sure most people are, but I am just going to be honest now while I remember the feeling as strong as it is. I'm scared but more than anything I am thrilled. I can't wait to meet you. You have a great family waiting for you, grandparents (lots of them) and uncles, a silly dog Cooper who might have to adjust to you a bit. You have a ton of love waiting for you. I know you still have some time cooking away in my belly (that may be weird for you to read that but trust me, it's the coolest thing ever to feel your little feet kick me - and you do kick me, a lot!) and you can definitely take your time and join the world when you are good and ready... but my world is ready for you and I just know it will light up so brilliantly when you open your eyes.
I love you,
your Mom
photo by cassie rosch
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