vibrant.
What comes to mind when you hear the word vibrant?
Is it something full of color?
Something full of life, fun and joy?
Is it a feeling you get? Is it something that's difficult to define?
Vibrant is my word for happiness. It is a flash of color in a muted world. It's the whirlwind of emotions I feel when I have to immediately write something down or create a piece of artwork. Vibrant is reading something you want to share with the world because it is that brilliant and powerful.Vibrant is what I felt when I stood in the Art Institute of Chicago and saw my first real Rothko. Orange and yellow and joy. It made me pause because I absolutely fell into the colors and I knew in that moment why art was so important to me.
My son often makes me feel that little jolt in my brain, a vibrant color that sparks up in the most mundane moment. It could be a look or something he says or just the sheer awe of his existence and the existence of all of us.
Vibrant is my feeling for hope. Vibrant is my desire to unearth the molten center of myself. Vibrant is what I want my art to reflect.
Putting yourself out there is difficult. Visual artists put their feelings out for the world to see and often have very little language to explain. Abstract or non-objective art adds another layer of difficulty when most people are looking for an explanation. How do you explain your innermost heart? Feelings poured out on canvas, emotions that don't have a name but make sense in bursts of color or lines.
You face a barrage of accusations of no talent or talent equivalent to a child. After having my own child I'm learning to take that as a compliment. Have you seen the amazing things that come out of a child's mind? Unfiltered. Unabashed.
Children are so brazen. They have not learned to be ashamed or concerned about the things they do or say. As they grow we teach them how to fit into social norms and move easily along with the crowd. I struggle a lot with my own child in this specific area.
He is what I call "suddenly extroverted." He started out quite differently, running away in terror from other children and people in general. Beyond shy, actually scared of venturing outside his safe bubble.
Something changed and he sprinted towards the other end of the spectrum of introversion and extroversion. There are no strangers in his world. Everyone is there to talk to him and be his friend. I have to remind him before outings to not latch on to every single person he encounters. Trick or treating is challenging because he is not just interested in getting a piece of candy and moving on his way. He has a million questions and stories to share with the world.
I confess...it's exhausting for my little family. I second guess myself every other moment of the day with him. Am I wrong to tamper down his brave little unafraid heart? Am I wrong if I push him to slip into the crowd, unnoticed?
Everyone has an opinion. In general I feel like the world is kind to him. They talk to him and indulge him, often the conversation lasts beyond my own introverted comfort level. Lots of people say he is this way because he's an only child. (I have a multitude of feelings about that) Some acknowledge his quirkiness and others dismiss it. I have no other personal experience to go by but it's difficult to see every other child say trick or treat and run to the next house while my child lingers and has to be basically dragged away and constantly reminded about the process.
I did not intend to sit down and write all of...this. It's something my husband and I struggle with often and feel very self conscious about. We want to embrace our child's intelligence and uniqueness but we also want to help him avoid the difficulties that spark up in life when you are not just like everyone else.
My child is beautiful. He is incredible in a million different ways. I love him more than I ever could imagine loving another human, this deep down, soul grasping, make you want to just cry love. He is smart and he is strong and he is unabashed.
I will continue to struggle with his precocious nature and at the same time wonder about my wrongness. He is my heart put out on display for the world. I will love him fiercely and want to protect him from hurt, and hopefully not lose a single bit of his spirit in the process. While I am often ashamed of my feelings I will do my best to grab hold of some of his unabashed energy and let that lead me as well.
