t is for...

transform. We do that a lot as parents, as artists, as people. 

Maybe we reinvent our look, or change something about where or how we live, what we eat, who we spend our time with. 

My artistic journey has absolutely been one of transformation. I always wanted to draw, to create. I wanted to be an artist as soon as I knew about the desire of "being" something or someone. 

Although I always drew, I didn't really pick up a real paint brush until high school and I instantly fell in love with the idea of painting. I started out painting landscapes and I was in total awe of blending colors and shapes to create something that resembled reality. As I continued to pursue painting I changed directions several times, ultimately ending up really enjoying abstract and non-objective art, colorful and free. 

My journey through parenthood has also been an evolving adventure. Every time I think I have it figured out, something changes and I have to do something different to keep up with the craziness. I am very comfortable with change but on a day to day basis it is definitely a struggle. 

I am attempting to embrace the process. I have to transform as my child does, learn to grow with him and accept him, learn to meld two different personalities together on a daily basis. My transformation in parenthood has come in the form of letting go. Letting go of what I feel like things should look like and embracing what things actually are. 

s is for...

I have always been sensitive. I mean, I am a Pisces so it goes with the territory. Or the water. You know what I mean.

I cry easily. Over lots of things. In private. Sometimes it comes out in public too.

I get upset easily and my feelings get hurt even if I don't always show it. 

I always try to tell myself I don't care what other people think. If I did, why would I be this weirdo preppy non-objective artist who is just completely confused and often clueless? Of course I care (a little) about what people think. But what I care the most about is how I affect other people. In my previous life I was a dark little cloud of negativity. I say previous life because I have changed so much, and part of that is due to my sensitive nature really coming to light. I am bothered when other people are bothered. I am bothered when other people don't care about how they affect others. I am bothered if I am bothering others. I am bothered when people stand still (figuratively) when they could be moving somewhere, anywhere. I am bothered when I stand still myself. I am bothered with sadness and pain and struggle and it hurts. I try to see the positive more, in people and in life in general -and it is a struggle for me- but I continue to try because I cannot be overwhelmed by the darkness. It hurts too much.

I am still a bit of a dark cloud. The rain is usually falling on me somewhere and I'll admit I kind of like it that way. I like the gloom because I feel most safe when I can be hidden away. 

But I feel the most alive when I connect with people. My way to connect is through my writing and my visual art, so if you don't know I am truly a sensitive soul, I hope you see that through my creating.

Sensitivity exploded with parenthood. Now I get to be sensitive for two and omg does it hurt even more. I hurt when he hurts, I cry when he cries, I worry and stress and hope and daydream right along with him and for him when he hasn't figured out that mess of human emotions just yet.

My sensitivity shows in bursts. Sometimes it comes in waves of anger. Other times it is happiness that brings me to tears. When I am the most lost in my feelings I either want to create everything or nothing. It's a constant battle.

Without sensitivity I don't think I would be the artist I am. I can't even imagine being in my own skin if I wasn't thinking about and feeling everything...and if I'm not feeling everything what can I share with the world?

r is for...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Photo by Trang Ta on Unsplash


Resilient. 

Are you overextend? Maxed to capacity? Or just over it all? 

I know. Me too.

This goes beyond parenting and creating.

This is lamenting. 

I mean, it's not only about things to do although there are plenty of things that need to get done. Always. And it's not only about bumps in the road that sometimes turn into mountains. And it's not just the giant, constant heartbreak that torments us all. It's all of these things and this whole idea that you keep going and going and going until you collapse out of physical or emotional exhaustion...or you can't keep going because you're just tragically...gone.

If we make it to the next day...

We bounce back even if the spring is a little stretched out.

We recover because we want to survive.

And we help. We always, always help, because if we are not helping we are not recovering. If we are not helping we will never bounce back. 

What can we do to help each other?