Wednesday, May 17, 2017

j is for...



just didn't get it done. Seriously. I have no j painting yet because it didn't happen. I wanted it to happen but somehow between trying to get multiple blog posts written, finding a swim suit to fit my still "losing the baby weight four years later and I'm tall but not skinny" figure, teaching another human how to behave in all life situations and many episodes of cleaning stuff up I randomly drop... painting just didn't happen.

Do you ever have those days where you are just like...damn it. That happens to me constantly. Like, before I sat down to write this blog post I was preparing an iced coffee and when I go to shake up coconut coffee creamer apparently the cap was broken anddddd creamer. goes. every. where. Several minutes of cleaning sticky coffee creamer off a dog hair covered floor is delightful.

And then I'm out walking and get totally freaked out by this very odd person who is standing super still because wait OMG it's a mannequin?! Why, people. Why?


Oh, and then there is this sharp little spot poking out on the floor of our sorta gross basement. I literally step on it every single time I walk by it while doing a thousand loads of laundry each week. Every. single. time. Damn IT. 

Reality sets in pretty quick. If these are my biggest problems in this very moment it's so good. I am learning to live moment to moment because when I look at the grand scale of life I get so tripped up and overwhelmed. The world can be that sharp spot sticking out you know? It's that little bitch you keep tripping over or the creepy mannequin just chilling outside to scare you for no reason. I'm still in that phase of feeling like I will NEVER complete the things I set out to do. It numbs me sometimes. 

I'll just keep cleaning up the mess and keep going. 




Wednesday, May 10, 2017

i don't feel pretty today

Not on the inside. Not on the outside. Not pretty. I want to. The feeling is more than wanting to be attractive, it's a feeling of joy and contentment. I see the joy radiating from my child's face as he splashes in the water at the pool and that is pretty to me. But I want to experience that joy beyond feeling it through him.

I can't find the words lately.

Everything I do seems to remain undone.

Our country is an ugly whirling catastrophe of unhappiness. It's so mean. 

The pretty peeks through.

I want to feel it though, strongly. I don't want a sliver.

I don't feel pretty today.

I feel embarrassed and wrong and weird and afraid of saying the wrong thing.

I don't feel it but oh... how I want to.