Evolve.
The ability to evolve is imperative for my artistic endeavors, creative spirit and simply growing up. It's also kind of a big deal for motherhood.
It's only natural children change and grow, sometimes constantly. As a parent I change as swiftly as my child does, even moment to moment. Problems become more complex as we mature, we rise to meet these various challenges and find ways to make it work, even if things are changing faster than we are. Of course, sometimes I feel barely evolved when I am sitting quietly on the couch, solely focused on a cup of coffee and making it through the day. I can't tell you how many times I feel like I'm regressing...re-doing...repeating.
Yet, I strive to evolve. I want to develop stronger parenting skills, a more refined aesthetic as an artist, a better voice as a writer and most importantly I want to evolve as a person. As we know more we often do better, if we open ourselves to new ideas and other things outside of our limited perspective, we expand and grow and it can be a very beautiful (and often painful and challenging) thing. I feel when I stay stuck inside myself, never moving or shifting my behavior or my thoughts, I feel virtually locked in place and it's a very uncomfortable feeling for me.
I would not be the person I am today if I did not change. My art is a reflection of that as well. I look back on things I created in the past and marvel at my artistic evolution. I look back on beliefs I held surrounding many subjects and do not recognize myself. As much as I've grown, there are those still moments where I sit in discomfort, unsure of the next step.
This word...evolve...was perfect for this specific project because I recently felt like my perception of it was changing. Not necessarily becoming more complex...maybe something easier. I was seeing something a bit more simple and not as busy.
I wanted more blank space. I needed something a little more calming.
Change can be exhausting.
I have a confession to make.
I did that thing that we all do. It's definitely a bad thing for artists because it seems nothing ever turns out the way we imagine it to be.
I envisioned. I'm the kind of woman that has to have things jussst right. It's a little difficult to describe but I will attempt to explain. I am not overly picky. I am not necessarily high maintenance. Right, husband? (wink wink) However, there are times when I just have to have things a certain way to feel content. Make sense?
Okay, let me explain it like this. Maybe one night my husband suggests we have Chinese food. I like Chinese food. I love it. But...I say no. Because Chinese food doesn't feel right. What do I mean by that? I mean...my house isn't clean and it's too light outside and I haven't vacuumed and there are toys all over the couch and I didn't do the laundry yet. And my kid is still awake.
Yes, I love Chinese food but I can't eat it because on that particular day, when I think about eating Chinese food, I imagine eating it in a dimly lit room in the evening, on the floor free of clutter with my favorite sweat pants on, watching a movie with my husband. Not eating Chinese food at the table in the middle of chaos and dirty dishes with my child screaming he doesn't want to eat anything that looks burnt.
This mood might change day to day.
So, anyway, I envisioned making a gingerbread house with my three year old. I had it all planned out. I bought extra gumdrops and some marshmallows and jelly beans because I could not possibly make the gingerbread house of my dreams come alive with the paltry candy provided by the gingerbread kits. I placed the candy prettily on a plate for a photo op. I admit I even considered making my son his own little graham cracker version so I could have the gingerbread glory all to myself without pesky little hands disturbing the intricate process of this mother/son activity. I am a tad ashamed.
It was bad pretty much immediately. The house wouldn't stay together. My son dumped an entire container of green sprinkles on the "snow." This required a time out to clean up sprinkles from basically everywhere. Every time we added a piece of candy it fell off. He put all the trees on the roof. The icing bag had a hole at the top seam and nothing would come out through the icing tip. Icing was all over the place and more candy was falling through the gaping roof than actually decorating the house. I quickly decided to sit back and let my child just do his thing.
Of course, he had a blast. He stuck a gingerbread man on the roof and when it fell off, taking the roof down with it, he just stuck that gingerbread man somewhere else. If candy fell off he tried another piece. It didn't matter what the outcome was or how messy the process was, he was just enjoying the moment.
We still had Christmas music playing in the background, he had so much fun and I sat there and laughed, texting pictures to my husband as more pieces fell apart. As I set up this project I fully anticipated a blog post full of beautiful photos of my gorgeous gingerbread house. Instead, I am posting photos of my...reality.
I'm sure you've seen the Pinterest fails. I've had my fair share. I have cried in frustration when the image in my head doesn't match what is in front of me. I have learned to laugh too. My own aesthetic is important to me, for sure. That's not going to change because it is a part of who I am. I still want to have that perfectly content moment that makes me feel happy, warm and snuggly inside.. It's a big deal around the holidays when I have this idea in my mind of what I want the experience to look like, assuming that is going to dictate how I feel.
But, sometimes, you just gotta eat the Chinese food. And just the fact that it tastes good is enough.
How are you feeling today? I feel a little stuck inside at the moment. My introverted self is hiding away even more. I think it has something to do with another too fast holiday season, a simultaneously joyous and difficult time for many people.
Today I was woken up by a cute little voice asking me if he could get in bed and snuggle with me. "hi mama" he said before crawling over me and getting under the covers. I told my son I wasn't feeling very well, struck down with the typical cold achy feeling this time of year brings. "are you better?" my three year old asked sweetly, not understanding recovery for sickness is not instantaneous. I explained I just need some rest and he agreed, that rest will help me feel much better.
So, how are you feeling? Do you need some rest? Are you able to relax? Ever? It seems like things should start slowing down now but instead they are flying by so quickly as this year switches over to the next.
Try to take a moment to relax today, if you can. I decided to light some candles and drink another cup of coffee and look at the flickering lights for a bit.
If you are an eighties kid like me you might remember that famous movie quote: "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." That sentiment always feel appropriate as we close out the year. Grab a little slice of these last few days of 2016 and savor it.
Maybe savoring the end of a year full of shitty things feels laughable, but personally, I'm looking at the fact that I am still waking up each day, hoping to feel better and step more outside of my hideaway. It's not going to happen instantaneously. I have seen people in my own circle fighting illness, fighting for relationships, standing up for others rights, trying to understand each other, trying to better the world. It all matters. Just like a moment of rest matters too. Here's to another year of finding those moments. And savoring them.
If you have that moment to rest and are looking for something else to read I would love for you to check out my post at Mother Manifesto here. It's a piece about home. xoxo
