s is for...

I have always been sensitive. I mean, I am a Pisces so it goes with the territory. Or the water. You know what I mean.

I cry easily. Over lots of things. In private. Sometimes it comes out in public too.

I get upset easily and my feelings get hurt even if I don't always show it. 

I always try to tell myself I don't care what other people think. If I did, why would I be this weirdo preppy non-objective artist who is just completely confused and often clueless? Of course I care (a little) about what people think. But what I care the most about is how I affect other people. In my previous life I was a dark little cloud of negativity. I say previous life because I have changed so much, and part of that is due to my sensitive nature really coming to light. I am bothered when other people are bothered. I am bothered when other people don't care about how they affect others. I am bothered if I am bothering others. I am bothered when people stand still (figuratively) when they could be moving somewhere, anywhere. I am bothered when I stand still myself. I am bothered with sadness and pain and struggle and it hurts. I try to see the positive more, in people and in life in general -and it is a struggle for me- but I continue to try because I cannot be overwhelmed by the darkness. It hurts too much.

I am still a bit of a dark cloud. The rain is usually falling on me somewhere and I'll admit I kind of like it that way. I like the gloom because I feel most safe when I can be hidden away. 

But I feel the most alive when I connect with people. My way to connect is through my writing and my visual art, so if you don't know I am truly a sensitive soul, I hope you see that through my creating.

Sensitivity exploded with parenthood. Now I get to be sensitive for two and omg does it hurt even more. I hurt when he hurts, I cry when he cries, I worry and stress and hope and daydream right along with him and for him when he hasn't figured out that mess of human emotions just yet.

My sensitivity shows in bursts. Sometimes it comes in waves of anger. Other times it is happiness that brings me to tears. When I am the most lost in my feelings I either want to create everything or nothing. It's a constant battle.

Without sensitivity I don't think I would be the artist I am. I can't even imagine being in my own skin if I wasn't thinking about and feeling everything...and if I'm not feeling everything what can I share with the world?