the reality

I have a confession to make.

I did that thing that we all do. It's definitely a bad thing for artists because it seems nothing ever turns out the way we imagine it to be.

I envisioned. I'm the kind of woman that has to have things jussst right. It's a little difficult to describe but I will attempt to explain. I am not overly picky. I am not necessarily high maintenance. Right, husband? (wink wink) However, there are times when I just have to have things a certain way to feel content. Make sense?

Okay, let me explain it like this. Maybe one night my husband suggests we have Chinese food. I like Chinese food. I love it. But...I say no. Because Chinese food doesn't feel right. What do I mean by that? I mean...my house isn't clean and it's too light outside and I haven't vacuumed and there are toys all over the couch and I didn't do the laundry yet. And my kid is still awake.

Yes, I love Chinese food but I can't eat it because on that particular day, when I think about eating Chinese food, I imagine eating it in a dimly lit room in the evening, on the floor free of clutter with my favorite sweat pants on, watching a movie with my husband. Not eating Chinese food at the table in the middle of chaos and dirty dishes with my child screaming he doesn't want to eat anything that looks burnt.  

This mood might change day to day. 

So, anyway, I envisioned making a gingerbread house with my three year old. I had it all planned out. I bought extra gumdrops and some marshmallows and jelly beans because I could not possibly make the gingerbread house of my dreams come alive with the paltry candy provided by the gingerbread kits. I placed the candy prettily on a plate for a photo op. I admit I even considered making my son his own little graham cracker version so I could have the gingerbread glory all to myself without pesky little hands disturbing the intricate process of this mother/son activity. I am a tad ashamed.

It was bad pretty much immediately. The house wouldn't stay together. My son dumped an entire container of green sprinkles on the "snow." This required a time out to clean up sprinkles from basically everywhere. Every time we added a piece of candy it fell off. He put all the trees on the roof. The icing bag had a hole at the top seam and nothing would come out through the icing tip. Icing was all over the place and more candy was falling through the gaping roof than actually decorating the house. I quickly decided to sit back and let my child just do his thing.

Of course, he had a blast. He stuck a gingerbread man on the roof and when it fell off, taking the roof down with it, he just stuck that gingerbread man somewhere else. If candy fell off he tried another piece. It didn't matter what the outcome was or how messy the process was, he was just enjoying the moment.

We still had Christmas music playing in the background, he had so much fun and I sat there and laughed, texting pictures to my husband as more pieces fell apart. As I set up this project I fully anticipated a blog post full of beautiful photos of my gorgeous gingerbread house. Instead, I am posting photos of my...reality. 

I'm sure you've seen the Pinterest fails. I've had my fair share. I have cried in frustration when the image in my head doesn't match what is in front of me. I have learned to laugh too. My own aesthetic is important to me, for sure. That's not going to change because it is a part of who I am. I still want to have that perfectly content moment that makes me feel happy, warm and snuggly inside.. It's a big deal around the holidays when I have this idea in my mind of what I want the experience to look like, assuming that is going to dictate how I feel.

But, sometimes, you just gotta eat the Chinese food. And just the fact that it tastes good is enough. 

it's the season of unrest

How are you feeling today? I feel a little stuck inside at the moment. My introverted self is hiding away even more. I think it has something to do with another too fast holiday season, a simultaneously joyous and difficult time for many people.

Today I was woken up by a cute little voice asking me if he could get in bed and snuggle with me. "hi mama" he said before crawling over me and getting under the covers. I told my son I wasn't feeling very well, struck down with the typical cold achy feeling this time of year brings. "are you better?" my three year old asked sweetly, not understanding recovery for sickness is not instantaneous. I explained I just need some rest and he agreed, that rest will help me feel much better.

So, how are you feeling? Do you need some rest? Are you able to relax? Ever? It seems like things should start slowing down now but instead they are flying by so quickly as this year switches over to the next. 

Try to take a moment to relax today, if you can. I decided to light some candles and drink another cup of coffee and look at the flickering lights for a bit. 

If you are an eighties kid like me you might remember that famous movie quote: "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." That sentiment always feel appropriate as we close out the year. Grab a little slice of these last few days of 2016 and savor it. 

Maybe savoring the end of a year full of shitty things feels laughable, but personally, I'm looking at the fact that I am still waking up each day, hoping to feel better and step more outside of my hideaway. It's not going to happen instantaneously. I have seen people in my own circle fighting illness, fighting for relationships, standing up for others rights, trying to understand each other, trying to better the world. It all matters. Just like a moment of rest matters too. Here's to another year of finding those moments. And savoring them.

If you have that moment to rest and are looking for something else to read I would love for you to check out my post at Mother Manifesto here. It's a piece about home. xoxo

d is for...

Distraught? Despair? Disappointed? 

Destroyed.

Different.

Disaster...

I have not posted since election day and you can imagine my feelings based on the words that came to my mind weeks after the fact. 

Divided.

How appropriate. This country has been divided for quite some time. Let's stop for a moment so you know I am not condemning your vote if we chose differently. This post is not about that. It's about how I feel. I. Me. I'm so happy you are reading my thoughts. Thank you. And if you want to stop here, that's fine too. I still love you because I am tired of the anger and the hate and the disgust. So here goes...

I have a tattoo of the word Create on my wrist. It has been fully healed for a few months but on election night it started to itch and swell. I restlessly rolled around on an air mattress in an empty house. I was eager to wake up the next morning and get on the road to get our house packed up so we could return to our new home and feel a bit more settled. Talk about awful timing for attempting to feel settled. 

As the results rolled in my tattoo pain was extremely uncomfortable. My husband dozed next to me, exhausted from work and trying to stay up late to see the polling results on our phone screens. I was trying to sleep after a certain devastating point but the itching and burning on my arm was very worrisome. I told a friend later it was as if my "create" was trying to crawl out of my skin. It was awful.

I did what a lot of us do when we have a question. I googled. The tattoo irritation could be related to allergies, environmental changes and high blood pressure. I think I was dealing with all three of these things that night...I woke up to a new day that felt unbearably strange. As many said, yes, the sun rose on November 9th and we continued on. In our case, it was to drive to another state to move our household. It felt weird. Such a big thing happened and we just kept on moving, because that's what we do.

Depth. 

I chose this word and painted my canvas before our big move out of state and it still feels like it fits right now, even outside the parameters of the creative mama, even with all the new D words swirling around. 

With all these momentous things happening in our world, I also had a lot going on in my own little personal bubble. Lots of change, lots of digging down once again and figuring out how to make a home somewhere I have never been. I've done that a lot in my life.

Going back to the word of choice, I consider myself a deep person. Describing yourself as deep seems somewhat arrogant or self involved but it's safe to say anyone who knows me well knows a lot bubbles below the surface. Those who know me extremely well know some of that stuff rises up and spills over quite rapidly and unfortunately. I have a lot of low lying gigantic, overwhelming emotions and -personal bubble aside- the last couple of weeks have really tested the depth of my feelings, particularly while navigating the differences of opinion among friends and family. I imagine most of us feel the same.

Now that my tattoo has healed again and the country has taken steps in a variety of ways towards healing, I want to say it's going to be okay. It's easy for me to say, in my little bubble that stretches without tearing, that it's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay. See, I can say it.

But does it mean anything?

I think we need to go deeper.

The despair and distrust and disappointment are real for a hell of a lot of people. I am a lucky one. My world kept on moving right along November 9th. It's not the same for everyone. It's not the same for people who are worried about their basic rights. I don't have to worry about the legality of my marriage. I don't have to worry about getting shot at while I'm doing a job to help others. I don't have to worry about being sent away when I simply want a better life for my family. I have a few things to worry about because we all do but overall, I am a lucky one. 

Disillusioned. 

Distressed.

It does not feel appropriate for me to say it's going to be okay to so many people who are feeling so worried and afraid. Me, with my complaints about a tattoo and moving because my husband was promoted. It's all so minimal when you look at the larger picture of our country.

This division creates issues for so many. So many people being targeted for simply who they are, what they look like, what job they have, who they love, what god they hear in their heart. Some of those people are giving us so much and we just take and take and do nothing in return. I totally understand the desire to be kind and help others and create the world we want to have. I believe in that too and I strive for that every day, to treat others as I want to be treated, to seek to understand and mostly to listen and learn more. We all need to listen more. Really, truly, listen. If we would all pause and listen some might have to stop shouting so loud to be heard. Please, let's listen.

And dig down. And go deep.

And not be...

Dismissive...of each other.

I will go back to my creative bubble now that my "create" has settled back down and is not so red and raised and angry. I will listen to those crying out and I will do my best to contribute to the beauty and kindness, acceptance, tolerance and constant learning that makes our world a better place. 

it's a very important day

I missed posting last week and I will miss this week due to a move out of state.

My creative spirit has been drifting in an empty house, a new space, dreaming of so many possibilities. I'll admit I love change but we have had so much change in the last few years I have grown restless and ready to settle for a bit. Sometimes life does not give you the chance to rest if you want to keep moving and growing. Sometimes you don't get the chance even if you don't want to move and grow and you are begging to stand still. Our little family is learning to find what we need to be happy and to forget the rest, or at least let the rest take a backseat for a while. There are other things to think about too, always.

So...today is kind of a big deal for the United States. And the world. I won't pretend to be overly educated about the ins and outs of politics. I recognize the flaws and I see the beauty. There is typically both, in almost everything.

I'll enjoy the day crunching through the leaves of this endless fall. I'll enjoy the stretching of the season I love so much while questioning the warmth of this weather. I'll forever be confused and wondering if I'm making the right decisions and choices...but knowing I can only make the best decision with the information I have right this very moment. 

I will encourage you to read, to explore, to learn. To listen. Listen even if you feel there is nothing anyone can say to you anymore. Hear another heart. Don't think about what you are going to say while another person is talking. Change. Or don't. Just be open to it because let me tell you, I have changed so, so much in my short time here on earth and I continue to do so. Surround yourself with good people and love them even if they don't share all of your views. 

Hug someone you love, do something kind, and please, please, if you can...go vote.

I did and I'm so happy I have that choice.

c is for...

constant.

Some of the beautiful people in my life suggested some marvelous words: courageous, curious, commitment, compassion. Constant.

That word resonated with me so much. Constant, unending, continuous. Infinite.

I am always somewhere inside my head and I like to play pretend, even as an adult. Really, you should never stop because life is so much more interesting and tolerable when you bend your reality a bit. In my moments of pretend I walk around with an imaginary sound track playing in my head. It used to be a song that made me feel awesome. For a while it was the song Jeffrey Osborne's Stay With Me Tonight. Weird, I know. But just trust, this was my "walking around in college theme song" for most of my freshman year. Lately it's Cool Kids by Echosmith. 

Now the theme song in my head is not so much a song but more so my own voice. "Did I do this. Did I do that. Did I say that? Oh God, I did. Why? Why did I say that? What am I doing?"

And that voice turns into a ranting from those little bitches, the what ifs. What if no one understands what I'm saying. What if no one cares. What if no one reads it. What if no one shows up. What if I didn't create anything original. What. If. Something. Is. Wrong. With. Me."

It's constant.

The mom voice chimes in too. "I have no idea what I'm doing but pretty sure I am messing him up. Yep, I don't know anything but I'm pretty confident that I'm doing it all wrong."

As moms or simply as women - as people - I think we have all been there. Especially this introverted dark art nerd of a mama. This barrage of worry and uncertainty can feel constant.

Of course, after darkness there is light. Light does filter through my many cracks and I am filled with love, with bursts of ideas, with words that cannot wait to dash across the paper and colors that are too pretty to keep in my head.

And when my son wants constant snuggles after constant struggles that flickering light explodes into the most dazzling sunshine chasing away the storm clouds. And it stays lit up within me. Forever.

use your leftovers

Next week I will show you my letter C painting for abc's of the creative mama.

Today was all about using some leftover paint in a unique and fun way. If you attempt this at home be forewarned it is very messy. The more wild you are...the messier it will be. As in, dripping down the walls, footprints on the floor, paper towel frenzy, messy, super hot mess. 

Sound like fun?

So, I bought some acrylic kiddo friendly paint for my son and he has really enjoyed getting super grimy and making all kinds of brownish colored masterpieces. You know when all the colors get mixed together and you end up with that sludgy brown colored loveliness? Yep, that's why I take pictures of my kid painting in the beginning stages. 

Once we had used as much paint as possible I still had a bunch stuck around the edges of the containers so I cleaned them out a bit but left most of the color. I filled them up with water, shook them a lot and was left with these beauties.

Then it was time to get messy. I put a lot of plastic down in the tile entry way (all the way up the walls, seriously, it gets MESSY.) and let my son go to town spilling, pouring and dropping the paint on some watercolor paper. I recommend watercolor paper if you have it so your paper doesn't end up warped and crinkled when it's dry. 

I sacrificed a turkey baster for this project (that sounds super weird) but recommend an eye dropper or condiment bottle if you have one. If a child is doing this it might be easier to control. 

The stages were a lot of fun.

Ultimately, because the paint was very watered down and the paper was so saturated, I had to hold the paper up and let all the water run off. The final product is a surprisingly soft and pretty, pastel and hazy.

The circles are from taking the lids and stamping on the paper. And the best part for this art nerd? Because the paper sat in so much water I got two paintings in one. The reverse side is just as interesting.

If you have a little more paint to water ratio and a whole lot more control with how much you are dropping on the page you will have more vibrant colors. I had zero control because my three year old was throwing the paint, stepping in it and overall having a blast. He is starting to ask to "do art projects" with me which basically makes my heart explode with joy.

 Try different things: spoon the paint water on, use a toothbrush to flick it on, get creative. 

Oh, also be sure to pick up the plastic or whatever you use right away and get rid of the excess water... and make sure no water leaked through. You really don't want paint spot covered tile or cement floors. Been there. Or maybe you do, in that case let your abstract soul shine through, I'm definitely not judging. Have fun :-) 

b is for...

Bountiful. Abundant. Lavish in love, in beauty, in the new, in everything.

Inexhaustible. Generous. Plentiful.

Bountiful is a fabulous word for the creative mama. Women, mothers, artists, all full of larger than life feelings that explode in a shower of exuberant love for life, our children and our families. Bountiful bursting of our imaginative souls. 

I have felt this word strongly as a woman. Bountiful took on a new meaning when I became a mother, my curves filling in even more, my body growing another little soul. The feelings became enormous and they were not always the vision of glowing rosy cheeked babies buried in the breast. Sometimes the feelings were darkly full in frustration, in fear and pain and even anger.

My art is a result of an abundant well of emotions They whirl inside and fall out of me through ink, in paint and pencil, they mingle in with torn pieces of paper and so, so many words. Art speaks a language that is so full and rich, it is difficult to describe.

Thank you to my lovely friend Eileen for suggesting this beautiful word. 

Next up is C...what word would you use for the creative mama that starts with the letter C?