c is for...CONTEST!

I have been wracking my brain trying to find the perfect word for the letter G in my abc's of the creative mama series.

I decided to venture out on a scary limb and offer my first ever contest! Be gentle with me, I'm nervous.

Please give me your best words (that start with the letter G) that sum up being a creative mama. If I choose your word you will win a free 8x8 inch print of the G painting I create using your word! 

The rules:

1. You must post your word no later than midnight (CT) February 28, 2017 in the comment section on this blog post. (not facebook)

2. If I love a word that is suggested by multiple people I will go with the first person who suggested the word. 

3. Be creative, reach into your mama souls and find that perfect word.

As an added bonus, on March 1, 2017 I will have a drawing that includes everyone who comments a word suggestion. The winner of that drawing will receive a free 8x8 inch print of the first painting in my abc's of the creative mama series: A is for Awake. (see below)

Both winners will be announced March 8, 2017.

I am looking forward to seeing your entries! 

 

f is for...

Fearless.

Several years ago one of my best friends told me that I will never stop worrying about my child.

She was absolutely right.

I went into parenthood just as a baby comes into the world, knowing nothing and needing all kinds of help. I was very, very afraid. I still am.

It's so, SO hard raising another human being. It's downright terrifying, from the moment I looked down at my son (a little weird person I didn't even think of as mine yet, let alone MY SON) nestled snugly in his car seat in the lobby of the hospital while I waited for my husband to pull the car around...I was so scared. I couldn't believe professional, intelligent people would let me leave with another person. Fully dependent on me for survival. Terrifying.

With everything dark and scary, there is something light on the other side. In the case of parenthood that light is the fact that you CAN do it. All you need (initially) are some diapers, something to feed the baby, open arms and a whole lot of love.

That light will burst out of you in ways you cannot imagine. You will find strength in your most broken moments. 

You are afraid. But you do it anyway. And THAT makes you fearless.

Shout out to all the fearless mommies out there. You are incredible.

Now, give me your best words for the letter G!

the ocean is calling me

the world could use a vacation from itself right now don't you think? If only we could rest for a bit. I don't think it's a good idea at all to simply turn away from it all - if you even can - but I think it's okay to admire something beautiful and take a breath.

Here is some beauty I find in my days.

Always, this painting always reminds me of the water.

take care of you

I know. It's total shit right now isn't it?

Life is very tumultuous, the unknown is always frightening, and there is a whole lot of pain everywhere you look. Even if you are satisfied with the outcome of recent events there is still a lot of strife and discord among, well, everyone. It sucks.

We have also reached that time in January where our super shiny goals are starting to wear a bit and maybe slip away, if we even had a firm grasp on them in the first place. It's all a bit depressing.

Here is a simple challenge for you today...if you have a moment to just be, if you are so lucky. I am lucky at the moment. My challenge is to drop some of the lofty goals you might have laid out for yourself. You don't have to dismiss them completely but just push them gently to the side and think about three things you can do for yourself that are simple and not very time consuming, so you actually have a chance to get them done! I'm guessing your bigger goals for the year might take a bit longer to achieve. Here are three things I plan to do for myself once a week this year, that are doable and all about me. 

1. at home mud face mask on Sundays

2. watch a documentary on Fridays

3. drink a cup of tea or coffee and enjoy a moment of quiet

Want to hear more about the things I did not achieve last year? Check out my blog post over at Mother Manifesto!

What kind of things will you do to take care of you? Share in the comments.

a letter to my son

We are nearing a very important day in our family, the fourth birthday of our son. I remember feeling very heavy this time four years ago, literally in my body and also in my heart. Bringing a child into the world is a big deal. I know some gloss over it as moms being full of themselves or acting like the first human ever to give birth. I get it, lots of women do it. (it's still a big deal, trust me) 

I know there is the huge issue with overpopulation and there is the belief that we should not continue to contribute to that. I understand that as well. I am very hopeful my contribution to the worlds population will be a wonderful asset. If we stop creating more people we might miss out on someone who absolutely changes the world.

I fully respect women and men who choose not to have children. I like my life to be full of many types of people so I am lucky enough to know several women who do not want children. They are amazing, beautiful, whole women who have a ton to offer the world. They do not have to have a child to do that. I also am lucky to know many wonderful mamas who have more to offer the world than the incredible children they raise.

Maybe this is a simplistic approach, but I was excited to bring my child into the world. Even though the world is awful. Not totally awful...but still pretty terrible. Yeah, it's awful. We have to admit that. When I was bursting and swollen with my son, the horrific Sandy Hook shooting happened. I clutched at my stomach and tried to process bringing him into that. Into this. I couldn't even begin to imagine what those parents lost. I hadn't met my child yet.

Despite the agony of the world, I was excited. 

I wrote this letter to my unborn son in 2012. I need a little happy today so I'm sharing a part of my heart. 

Dear Oliver,

It's December, 7 2012 and about forty nine days away from your due date. Your Dad and I are so excited to meet you, it's all we can think about! I am having a hard time sleeping through the night, just thinking about meeting you, and I am so nervous about being your Mom. The world is in a state of change right now. There has been this prediction, according to the Mayan calendar that the world will end on December 21, 2012. I don't believe this for one second because I know my world won't stop until I have held you in my arms and I also know there is an entire world ahead of all of us, just waiting for our new family to make so many memories.

I wanted to share just a few of the things going on in our little world today. The USA presidential inauguration is on the horizon, coming up in January 2013. President Barack Obama, our first black president, was just re-elected to a second term. Here in Colorado, marijuana use was just legalized. I'm not really sure what that means for the rest of the country or if that will be the same in the future. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing but I'm inclined to feel it is like many other things in life, always the potential to be both good and bad. And gay marriage...I can only hope that gay marriage is something totally accepted as you are reading this now. That is just becomes marriage, for everyone. Right now it is not. My wish is that all people who love each other can be afforded the same rights that your Dad and I have. Another big thing going on right now is the announcement that the new prince and princess, or duke and duchess of whales in England are expecting their first baby, the future heir to the throne. I confess it's not a huge interest to me personally but it is a pretty big deal to a lot of other people in the world. I am more excited about your birth, personally. :-)

We are a very divided country politically speaking. I wonder if it will change. Typically it swings back and forth between two different opinions but if you look closely at most people I bet you will see they have a mix of all kinds of different opinions and thoughts that explode outside of the labels we give them.

There is a lot of sadness in this world. I write that thought, hoping that in the future, when you are old enough to really know what sadness means (and the optimist in me hopes you never truly know sadness while the realist in me knows you will in some capacity) that the world will be less sad. You are fortunate to be born into a free country where you personally have so many rights and privileges. You are have two parents who love you so much, and we haven't even met you yet! The world is so incredibly sad but it is happy too. There is beauty and genuine love and compassion and I have every hope in my heart that you will add to that happiness, that you will be a kind and a beautiful addition to the people who strive to make the world happier and better in so many ways.

I could likely write forever about all of the things going on in our state, our country, in our world...but at the moment my world is very small. It's so very small because my focus is on you. I said I am nervous but the truth is I am terrified. I am worried about the responsibility of raising another person. I am sure most people are, but I am just going to be honest now while I remember the feeling as strong as it is. I'm scared but more than anything I am thrilled. I can't wait to meet you. You have a great family waiting for you, grandparents (lots of them) and uncles, a silly dog Cooper who might have to adjust to you a bit. You have a ton of love waiting for you. I know you still have some time cooking away in my belly (that may be weird for you to read that but trust me, it's the coolest thing ever to feel your little feet kick me - and you do kick me, a lot!) and you can definitely take your time and join the world when you are good and ready... but my world is ready for you and I just know it will light up so brilliantly when you open your eyes.

I love you,

your Mom

photo by cassie rosch 

e is for...

Evolve.

The ability to evolve is imperative for my artistic endeavors, creative spirit and simply growing up. It's also kind of a big deal for motherhood.

It's only natural children change and grow, sometimes constantly. As a parent I change as swiftly as my child does, even moment to moment. Problems become more complex as we mature, we rise to meet these various challenges and find ways to make it work, even if things are changing faster than we are. Of course, sometimes I feel barely evolved when I am sitting quietly on the couch, solely focused on a cup of coffee and making it through the day. I can't tell you how many times I feel like I'm regressing...re-doing...repeating. 

Yet, I strive to evolve. I want to develop stronger parenting skills, a more refined aesthetic as an artist, a better voice as a writer and most importantly I want to evolve as a person. As we know more we often do better, if we open ourselves to new ideas and other things outside of our limited perspective, we expand and grow and it can be a very beautiful (and often painful and challenging) thing. I feel when I stay stuck inside myself, never moving or shifting my behavior or my thoughts, I feel virtually locked in place and it's a very uncomfortable feeling for me. 

I would not be the person I am today if I did not change. My art is a reflection of that as well. I look back on things I created in the past and marvel at my artistic evolution. I look back on beliefs I held surrounding many subjects and do not recognize myself. As much as I've grown, there are those still moments where I sit in discomfort, unsure of the next step.

This word...evolve...was perfect for this specific project because I recently felt like my perception of it was changing. Not necessarily becoming more complex...maybe something easier. I was seeing something a bit more simple and not as busy.

I wanted more blank space. I needed something a little more calming.

Change can be exhausting.

the reality

I have a confession to make.

I did that thing that we all do. It's definitely a bad thing for artists because it seems nothing ever turns out the way we imagine it to be.

I envisioned. I'm the kind of woman that has to have things jussst right. It's a little difficult to describe but I will attempt to explain. I am not overly picky. I am not necessarily high maintenance. Right, husband? (wink wink) However, there are times when I just have to have things a certain way to feel content. Make sense?

Okay, let me explain it like this. Maybe one night my husband suggests we have Chinese food. I like Chinese food. I love it. But...I say no. Because Chinese food doesn't feel right. What do I mean by that? I mean...my house isn't clean and it's too light outside and I haven't vacuumed and there are toys all over the couch and I didn't do the laundry yet. And my kid is still awake.

Yes, I love Chinese food but I can't eat it because on that particular day, when I think about eating Chinese food, I imagine eating it in a dimly lit room in the evening, on the floor free of clutter with my favorite sweat pants on, watching a movie with my husband. Not eating Chinese food at the table in the middle of chaos and dirty dishes with my child screaming he doesn't want to eat anything that looks burnt.  

This mood might change day to day. 

So, anyway, I envisioned making a gingerbread house with my three year old. I had it all planned out. I bought extra gumdrops and some marshmallows and jelly beans because I could not possibly make the gingerbread house of my dreams come alive with the paltry candy provided by the gingerbread kits. I placed the candy prettily on a plate for a photo op. I admit I even considered making my son his own little graham cracker version so I could have the gingerbread glory all to myself without pesky little hands disturbing the intricate process of this mother/son activity. I am a tad ashamed.

It was bad pretty much immediately. The house wouldn't stay together. My son dumped an entire container of green sprinkles on the "snow." This required a time out to clean up sprinkles from basically everywhere. Every time we added a piece of candy it fell off. He put all the trees on the roof. The icing bag had a hole at the top seam and nothing would come out through the icing tip. Icing was all over the place and more candy was falling through the gaping roof than actually decorating the house. I quickly decided to sit back and let my child just do his thing.

Of course, he had a blast. He stuck a gingerbread man on the roof and when it fell off, taking the roof down with it, he just stuck that gingerbread man somewhere else. If candy fell off he tried another piece. It didn't matter what the outcome was or how messy the process was, he was just enjoying the moment.

We still had Christmas music playing in the background, he had so much fun and I sat there and laughed, texting pictures to my husband as more pieces fell apart. As I set up this project I fully anticipated a blog post full of beautiful photos of my gorgeous gingerbread house. Instead, I am posting photos of my...reality. 

I'm sure you've seen the Pinterest fails. I've had my fair share. I have cried in frustration when the image in my head doesn't match what is in front of me. I have learned to laugh too. My own aesthetic is important to me, for sure. That's not going to change because it is a part of who I am. I still want to have that perfectly content moment that makes me feel happy, warm and snuggly inside.. It's a big deal around the holidays when I have this idea in my mind of what I want the experience to look like, assuming that is going to dictate how I feel.

But, sometimes, you just gotta eat the Chinese food. And just the fact that it tastes good is enough.