i want to be famous

If you know me well this may seem like an unlikely statement or a fabrication. This is the truth however...I do want to be famous. Not in the fifteen minute kind of fame, fall in "love" on tv kind of fame and definitely not the people hide in your tree behind your eight foot fence and stalk you kind of fame. Trust me, I want to be able to eat a bowl of shredded coconut, chocolate chips and whipped cream (what?) in my pajamas, watching dramatic lifetime movies and crying/cringing WITHOUT an audience, thank you very much.

No, I want the fame that comes with the general population knowing of me..and me knowing that I helped them in some way. With my words preferably and if dreams do come true...with my art as well.

I once worked for a lifecoach who gave some stellar advice and that was "find your purpose" I realized at that time I had not actualized what my purpose was for being here. Even as a silly little girl I always wondered why I was here and what exactly I was supposed to be doing, who I was supposed to be. I usually did not come to any type of conclusion and just wandered on my way, playing pretend and escaping into my own overly active imagination. When this idea of "purpose" started flitting around inside my head I was definitely intrigued. What was my purpose and what is it now? Did it change? Did I lose it? Is it hiding under my couch with the cupcake dog toy that always inevitably ends up there? Do we really just get ripped around on this thing called life and then simply end up in the ground?

After a lot of heart to me and me to heart conversations I definitely knew my purpose was to create. Okay, that's a great start but create what? And why?

I have a lot to say. The words don't always find their way out of my head and then sometimes they tumble all over themselves trying to make their way out first. I can't even count the number of times I walk away from a conversation, an intense "monologue" or in some cases my own personal soliloquy shaking my head and wanting to kick myself if I could. Sometimes the words just spill out, uncontrollably and start to create this mammoth tower of self righteousness over the people I care about. I'm not afraid to speak my truth but I am learning to understand not everyone wants to hear it, not to mention it often clashes with other personal truths.

But.

Yes, there is a but. Because there is this...care, this care that I have for the people in my life. I know we all care about the people that we love and the wonderful people in the world even care about the people that they don't love. I care enough to say something when it is so obvious the people I love are hurting themselves. I care enough to shout something if I think it will help them. And I care enough about myself to walk away when my throat hurts, my heart is swollen and my eyes can't stand the pain anymore.

See, I have a lot to say and maybe I don't always say it the right way...but I don't want to stop speaking. So this is where I channel it...in the written word where I can pause, delete, remember and re-do. I was talking to Mike one day and we were re-hashing a problem that keeps persisting. My brother and I can both be very reactionary and he is realizing that is not always the greatest thing. He was a great big brother to me and gave me the advice to stop and think before just blindly reacting with this negative spew of angry venom that further destroys rather than heals or helps...

...I just love the musical Rent. Thank you so much Jeff for introducing it to me years ago. "The opposite of war isn't peace...it's creation." Creation is my key, my entrance to this scary world and the words in my head that I feel are choking me at times. Creation is my isolation and it's my truth that I share with the world. It's my scary thoughts that keep me awake at night and my relief when those thoughts dissipate with pen, paper, paint and ink.

Creation is my purpose. I will create and the truth will always reveal itself.