c is for...

constant.

Some of the beautiful people in my life suggested some marvelous words: courageous, curious, commitment, compassion. Constant.

That word resonated with me so much. Constant, unending, continuous. Infinite.

I am always somewhere inside my head and I like to play pretend, even as an adult. Really, you should never stop because life is so much more interesting and tolerable when you bend your reality a bit. In my moments of pretend I walk around with an imaginary sound track playing in my head. It used to be a song that made me feel awesome. For a while it was the song Jeffrey Osborne's Stay With Me Tonight. Weird, I know. But just trust, this was my "walking around in college theme song" for most of my freshman year. Lately it's Cool Kids by Echosmith. 

Now the theme song in my head is not so much a song but more so my own voice. "Did I do this. Did I do that. Did I say that? Oh God, I did. Why? Why did I say that? What am I doing?"

And that voice turns into a ranting from those little bitches, the what ifs. What if no one understands what I'm saying. What if no one cares. What if no one reads it. What if no one shows up. What if I didn't create anything original. What. If. Something. Is. Wrong. With. Me."

It's constant.

The mom voice chimes in too. "I have no idea what I'm doing but pretty sure I am messing him up. Yep, I don't know anything but I'm pretty confident that I'm doing it all wrong."

As moms or simply as women - as people - I think we have all been there. Especially this introverted dark art nerd of a mama. This barrage of worry and uncertainty can feel constant.

Of course, after darkness there is light. Light does filter through my many cracks and I am filled with love, with bursts of ideas, with words that cannot wait to dash across the paper and colors that are too pretty to keep in my head.

And when my son wants constant snuggles after constant struggles that flickering light explodes into the most dazzling sunshine chasing away the storm clouds. And it stays lit up within me. Forever.