what am i doing?

This is the new year resolution moment. You know what I'm talking about, the one where you're like oh crap, I'm actually supposed to get to this end point? It's that point in February where you say, hey, I tried but it doesn't matter. I'm just going to stay the way I am. It's too hard to change, it's way too hard to do something different. I work full time damn it, how can I find time to paint?!

I had this moment yesterday.

...and this morning and again right now.

I so want to be a successful artist...I so want to be in a gallery and have multiple shows every year. I so want to stop painting in my basement and start painting in a studio space that is worthy of the beautiful concepts I am creating.

I am at that critical new years moment where you keep plunging ahead and lose the weight that makes you feel ugly or slow, keep running even though your side is killing you...that point where you eat more vegetables and wear sunscreen or spend time outside instead of watching five hours of television, where you put the soda away and reach for water instead, where you pack your lunch and save more money every month or WHATEVER it is that you absolutely promised yourself you would do because you know in your heart it will make you simply a better you. I am definitely at that critical moment and the light is so close it's blinding me. So why do I want to turn around and run in the other direction?

It's cool and it is safe in the dark.

But in the dark no one can see my work.

The light is warm and tempting...