on wednesdays I blog

I am lost in the abyss of motherhood. 

That sounds so awful, right? I could apologize for making the beauty of mothering children sound like an infection but I won't. It's the reality (sometimes) and there is beauty in the truth.

My husband is out of town for the week and I am left with my sweet bundle of three year old energy and an anxiety ridden dog who possibly needs more attention than my child.

The stay at home mom (SAHM) gig sounded pretty amazing back when I was still working, dragging my milk heavy breasts and spit up covered clothing to work and crying in the conference room while I pumped, imagining every breath, giggle and coo I was missing. I remember telling my best friend how I was so miserable and if only I could stay home with my baby, life would be glorious! She was already a seasoned mother of a toddler and she gently suggested the SAHM life might not be the glitter covered, sprinkled cupcake dream most people imagine. 

I nodded and ignored her, of course. I knew better, didn't I?

After my babies first year, my husband and I decided we could afford the transition to a one income family. I was overjoyed and a little annoyed because I heard the three little words that I probably said myself before having children. They felt different when someone else used them on me and my situation. They felt very, very different after being home with my son for two plus years.

"Must be nice." 

Well, yes, I guess it is nice. Or it was nice. But trust me, reality sets in super fast.

There is no escape.

I know, that sounds dismal and probably a little ridiculous. Perhaps it is when you compare my life to those who are struggling and suffering and barely making it through the day. In moments of extreme frustration I do reflect on how lucky I am to have the opportunity to stay home with my son. I know it's rare today.

It doesn't take away the fact that being a SAHM is hard. It's lonely. It's isolating. There are issues that no one knows about or understands. And there is another layer for me, personally. I am an artist. (snort) Well, I try to be. So I definitely heard a lot of this as I made the transition to SAHM:

"Oh, great! Now you can work on your art and your writing!"

That sentence alone makes my heart sink. The guilt sets in.

Even now, as I frantically type this and hope I don't sound like an absolute entitled "you know what" for even daring to feel anything other than grateful...my heart is down below my knees. I need to get this written because I promised myself after starting my blog again August 1st I would blog at least once a week. I already broke that promise. 

I have not fully worked on my art or my writing. Until now. On Wednesday's I will blog. I hope it will be about creating, writing, about fun artsy projects with my son. Maybe sometimes my blogs will be about fighting my way out of the abyss as I answer questions like "what's a face?" and clean pee off of every bathroom surface while tripping over my dog. 

On Wednesdays I blog. It's my new mantra. And now, it's time to play with my son.

It is pretty nice.