When I was a little girl I always knew I wanted to be an artist when I grew up. Back then, I didn't realize that was a fairly lofty dream. I also didn't realize I might not ever actually grow up.
I'm still growing. Still dreaming.
Why is being an artist so difficult? Is it just difficult for me? I will say I had fair warning. My parents were not too excited about my majoring in art, especially fine arts. They were sort of okay with a concentration in graphic design. I desperately signed up for graphic design courses when I registered my freshman year of college and later secretly dropped those in favor of painting courses.
I didn't even want to go to college. I have always sort of drifted along in my own world, scribbling weird poetry in my journal, writing short stories or drawing little people that developed from stories in my mind. I had no true aspirations other than to become this vague notion of an "artist." I was forced to apply for college and I'll be forever grateful to my parents for the not so gentle push as well as the ability to actually send me on to higher education. I blossomed a lot in college. I turned into a different sort of dreamer and my art grew beyond my imagined capabilities. I had some incredible instructors whose passion for art history and non objective art helped my realize I needed to narrow my focus.
I was (constructively) criticized by several professors for not having direction with my art. For being all over the place with my paintings and my artist statement. Now, at nearly 35, I am still figuring out my focus.
I feel naive at times for all the things I do not know or understand about art, about my supposed passion and my craft. Recently, I broke up with painting. We just had such a rough patch and I couldn't bear to look at all the memories we created together. I gave away many paintings, trashed some and others I painted over. It's very disheartening to be told you have talent but not understand where to direct it, how to make it work, how to make it marketable, how to make a living. How to grow up and become the artist I always wanted to be.
I wish there was more support for this abstract life of an artist. The questions that arise when you major in art include:
"Art. huh. What are you going to do with that?"
and
"How will you make money?"
The questions and ideas that fill your mind are even more specific and frightening. How can I create something new? Everyone else has already created something better. Art is just a hobby. I will never be unique enough. The final product looks nothing like it did in my mind. How do other artists make money? Why can't I? What if no one comes to my show? Why am I even bothering?
The insecurity piles in and it becomes a mind numbing fog. If this is my passion why is it surrounded by so much heartache, anxiety and frustration?
Fellow artist, creators and dreamers: how do you find your way through the fog?
2 comments:
It is a funny thing, this thing we call art. I am curious if you feel that college shaped your art from a technical standpoint or rather, did the experiences necessary to manifest the images that are congruent with your life experiences on canvas create the key takeaway from school? I'd like to argue that school may no longer be necessary. Technical skills can be learned online, in artist residencies through personal connections, in your study, or in community groups. The bastardization of all mediums via technological progress, on the other hand, has not only left a void in the art world, allowing talentless people to drift in and not only hold a conversation with people that use art as a profession, it actually allows them to be successful. Someone can do a drawing on a iPad, create a movie with their cell phone, or ruin a photo with Instagram filters and call themselves an artist. This has so many dire consequences 1) it takes work from people that dedicated their life to art and gives artist kudos to people with a hobby, 2) it, as mentioned above, strips the powerfulness of an academic art program, and most importantly 3) it blurs the lines between what is technical art and what is half assed commentaries on social issues through artistic mediums. Perhaps the title of artist is no more? I struggle with this too. I try to remind myself that the only hard and fast rule of life is to breathe. Everything else is subjective. Yet, when does complete and unfiltered subjectivity damage an artist, the community, or the medium. If everything is art, nothing is art. I also can empathize with "The insecurity piles in and it becomes a mind numbing fog. If this is my passion why is it surrounded by so much heartache, anxiety and frustration?"I think that if you are not hurting or numb, or in a fog, or anxious by your art, perhaps it means you are not an artist. Such feelings and emotions that we feel inhibit our art are precisely the reasons we should be creating art. It means there is a story to be told and as artists, we have an obligation to share it with the world for the world, and us. When I struggle, I try and look at art as such; in all aspects of society (politics, human interactions, history, economics, social issues) there are no hard and fast absolutes. If we know this to be true, we need not be concerned with fitting into some paradigm so the world accepts our work. Rather, we should submit to our true self and acknowledge that, while we may not make profit from the work we create, we are enhancing the human condition with our creation of it, are inspiring others to do the same, and for our own personal sake, are attempting to make sense of that which is nonsensical. The struggle will always be real. It will always be deep.
I definitely feel my experiences shaped my art expression. I also learned a lot about my medium and the art world working in a retail art shop! I think your points are all very valid, thank you for your words. I had a professor that constantly poked at my paintings and said "but what does it make you feeeellllll?!" I agree that is precisely the point.
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