I was going to post about crafting...

I know I'm not alone in feeling discouraged with our country today. This general wave of anger and hate that seems to wash over everything is unsettling, particularly for my introverted tendencies to sit, think and often dwell.

So many people are afraid and hurting. So many people are angry. People are killing. They always have. So many people have no escape. I feel so small. Smaller than usual. 

I often feel like my life is pathetic. I don't feel like I contribute anything to anyone, anywhere. I feel aimless. A shitty parent who can't cope with anything slightly atypical. A bad friend who thinks about my two best friends (and others) and my family more often than I contact them. A bad wife who nags too much. 

I am often silent when I want to rage. I'm afraid to rage because I don't want anyone to judge me. I have a pretty tough shell wrapped in gossamer layers and oh hell, the shell is cracked all over. It's going to explode. 

I am selfish and inane. I am suburban bullshit. I am doing nothing.

I feel like a dot in this mass of existence and the fires are raging around me and all I do is curl into a tiny ball and rouse myself from my semi-medicated state to pick up leaves with my son. I'm the crack in the sidewalk. Why are we all so broken?

I fully intended to post a little collage about doing leaf paintings with my three year old. I planned to write about the small things in life, the beauty in art and nature, how we can overlook some of the pain and do something pretty.

I don't have it in me. 

I feel like a sham.

I'm entitled.

I'm not fighting for my life on either side of this war that has raged for so many for so long. 

This is what poured out of my soul when I sat down to post about crafting in the midst of chaos and hurt. 

But I simply cannot. I'm wallowing in the pain. I know it's not okay and it doesn't make anything better.

I just need to sit and hurt a little in name of everyone who is hurting so much. It feels like nothing but I believe the thoughts are important. 

We should not stop thinking about this. We should not keep thinking this is okay.

We can't. 

What are you thinking about? Tell me. Let's talk.